Q & A - Grandparents on a Different Page

Q.  My parents are Christians but don't share our convictions regarding how we raise our children (teaching the kids to obey, respect Daddy, careful about TV viewing, not promoting too many toys/greed...).  I've talked with my parents telling them why we do (or don't do) certain things in our family.  Things are very awkward with my parents.  What wisdom can you share with young parents who are trying to raise their children biblically with grandparents who don't agree with us?

A.  This is a relevant question for many couples—especially at Christmas when there is often extended time with grandparents. Let me commend you from the outset for sharing your biblical convictions about parenting with your parents. That is hard to do, and yet necessary.

I wish I could tell you there was an immediate cure for the awkwardness. However, I want to encourage you that time will undoubtedly prove the wisdom of parenting according to God’s Word.

C.J. and I experienced similar questions regarding our parenting decisions when our children were young. But we were later encouraged for those very decisions as family members observed the fruit of biblical parenting in the lives of our children.

In the meantime let me encourage you to do everything you can to build the relationship with your parents, without compromising your convictions. Here are a few suggestions.

1.    Encourage your parents—Look for commendable qualities in their lives and point them out to your children, in front of your parents. For example: “Joey, did you know that Grandpa is a very hard worker? He sacrificed every day to provide for our family. I want you to learn to be a hard worker like Grandpa some day.”

2.    Invite your parent’s observations—Together with your husband, ask for your parent’s thoughts on how you could be better parents. Try to find areas where you may agree on parenting methods and ask for their counsel related to those specific issues.

3.    Pick your battles—Some issues are more important than others. For example, you will have to draw the line if your parents want to expose your children to a television show you aren’t comfortable with. However, if Grandma wants to give them extra treats when they visit, allow her to enjoy doting on her grandchildren. Your parents will probably never see things exactly as you do. Take a stand on the important issues and be flexible where possible.

4.    Talk to your kids—When necessary, have age-appropriate conversations with your children regarding interactions with your parents. If there are ways in which your parents are a poor example, you may have to help your children see that you do not agree with their behavior in a certain situation.

Ultimately, trust in God is crucial. He has designed this family dynamic for your good and His glory. You have a holy opportunity to be a godly example to your children: both through your biblical parenting and your love and grace-filled attitude toward your parents. May God grant you much wisdom as you seek to glorify Him!