Marriage

The Marriage Dance

When I was a young wife, Elisabeth Elliot mentored me through the pages of her book, Let Me Be A Woman. Then, when my daughters were teenagers, I used the book to teach them about biblical womanhood. I still refer back to it often, and recently came across this little gem. May it inspire you to embrace your God-given role in marriage today:

“It is the woman’s delighted yielding to the man’s lead that gives him freedom.  It is the man’s willingness to take the lead that gives her freedom.  Acceptance of their respective positions frees them both and whirls them into joy.” (Elisabeth Elliot, Let Me Be a Woman, p.185).

Book Club Chapter 10

“Feelings of love follow acts of love…. A woman of dominion is not pushed around and bullied by her feelings and emotions. On the basis of her solemn covenantal commitment to her husband, she loves him.” p. 164-165

On October 15 of the year 1998, it was a few short weeks before my wedding. Brian had already moved to Chicago in September of that year and I remained in Maryland until our wedding day (November 7). I remember how much I missed him those nine weeks we were apart. But I was busy packing up my room, finalizing our wedding plans, attending my bridal shower and excitedly anticipating our new life together.

November 7 was a wonderful day—everything I had hoped it would be. We went on a glorious week-long honeymoon to Florida, before flying back to Chicago to begin our new life together. 

Then “real life” blew in with the harsh Chicago weather. I was still deeply in love with Brian, but I also began to realize the magnitude of the decision I had made. I had left my family, friends, and the only church I’d ever known to follow my husband. Everything was new and unfamiliar: my home, friends, job, grocery store, and especially the weather!

Brian has joked that we should have bought stock in Kleenex, given how much I cried that first winter. Eleven years later, I am more grateful than ever for the godly, patient, man I am married too.

My experience as a new bride, missing home, was a helpful lesson: feelings are unreliable! But chapter ten of Womanly Dominion was a great reminder of what’s important for us as wives: to respect, be grateful for, and passionately love our husband—regardless of how we may feel at times. When, by the grace of God, we choose to love our husband, we will reap the sweet rewards of ever-growing affections.

I was freshly challenged by this chapter. I want to continue to grow in showing love to my husband. I’m inspired to thank Brian once again for his faithful love and care for me. And I am going to ask him: what is one way I can grow in expressing my love for you?

So will you join me? Whether you are a new bride or celebrating your fiftieth anniversary, let me encourage you to ask your husband this question, and do one thing to show him your love today (1 Cor. 13:4-7).

Five Minutes for Your Marriage

We don’t want you to miss this! If you are a married couple who has conflict (and who doesn’t?) you need to hear this biblical advice from Dr. David Powlison. Nine years ago in our pre-marital counseling, my parents shared this wisdom with Steve and me. Few things have served us more in helping us to resolve conflict, have fewer conflicts, and grow in grace together. So listen, and for further study, buy this book.

As Evening Shadows Advance

My friend Rita sent me this letter from John Newton to his wife, Mary. The author of Amazing Grace was sixty years old when he wrote these words. He and his wife—whom he loved very much—had been married for thirty-five years. She would pass away five years later and he would live for another seventeen years after that.

CJ and I have been married for thirty-four years, so I feel I can relate to much of what John Newton writes about this season of life. His beautiful letter is long, I know, but it is worth taking a few moments to read.

Let pastor, husband, author, and Christian John Newton instruct all of us in the joys of marital fidelity and love, the peace of trusting in the faithfulness of God, and the hope of future grace for the journey.

August 6, 1785
 
My dear wife,

I long to hear that you had a comfortable journey to Southampton, and that you are now with our dear friends. Nothing has taken place among us that can be properly called new; which is a great mercy. For, though you have been gone but one day, a single day, or a single hour—may produce painful alterations in a family. The Lord has preserved us through a long course of years, and in different situations, from various calamities which have overtaken others. Our obligations to thankfulness are singular and numerous.

When the carriage drove past the corner, my heart seemed to go away with it. It contained what was of more value to me than the cargoes of a whole East India fleet. Tell our niece Eliza that I love her very dearly. She would soon be well--if I could make her so. But she is in better hands than mine! I have a comfortable hope that her illness has been, and will be, sanctified to an end far more desirable than health or life itself. Therefore I leave her to the wise and merciful direction of the Lord, who loves her better than I can.

I cannot write a long letter tonight. What could I, indeed, say, if I had more time, that I have not said a thousand times over? Yet there still is, and will be, something unsaid in my heart, which I have not words to express. May the Lord bless this little separation to quicken us to mutual prayer, and to lead us to a thankful review of the mercy and goodness which have followed us through the many years we have been united.

How many changes have we seen! Under how many trials have we been supported! How many deliverances have we known! How many comforts have we enjoyed! Especially, what great advantages have we possessed, in knowing those things which pertain to our everlasting peace!

The years we have passed together--will return no more. The afflictions are gone, the pleasures likewise are gone, forever. The longer we live, such pleasures as this world can afford, will, more and more, lose their power of pleasing. Only our love, I trust, will exist and flourish to the end of life--yes, beyond it! It will always be a truth, that the Lord, in giving you to me--gave me the best temporal desire of my heart. But the shadows of the evening advance. Old age is creeping in upon us, and the days are approaching when we shall have no pleasure--but what we can derive from the good Word of God, and the consolations of his Holy Spirit. These, if we are favored with them, will sufficiently compensate for the abatement, or the loss, of all the rest. The streams may run dry--but the fountain of living waters will always flow! May His presence be near our hearts--and then all will be well.

I am too fully employed to feel time hang heavy upon my hands in your absence; and, if I am permitted to come to you, the thoughts of the journey's end will make the journey pleasant.

Doing Your Husband Good, Day 5

Here's the final batch of ideas...

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My husband has been quoted as saying, “The 5AM Club is the greatest thing for our marriage!”  After reading Shopping for Time, I have adopted this habit and it HAS been so good for our marriage.  I currently work outside of the home, so the only time I seem to be able to care for our home is briefly after work…if we don’t have a home community or date night.  When I get up, I’m able to read, pray, plan and care for our home before I even walk out the door to go to the office.  When I’m done at 5pm, I’m ready to come home and give my husband my all…not my left-overs.

Only by God’s grace (and my sister-in-laws calls each morning) am I able to get out of our warm bed and get my day started off right.  Sitting at Jesus’ feet first thing sets the tone for my day, leaving me still joyful and energized after a long day at work.  I get to focus on my man instead of the dishes and that makes him happy.  The sacrifice from 5:00 to 5:05 before the coffee kicks in becomes well worth it when my husband feels like he gets my full attention at night.

Amy

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One thing I like to do is to completely clear a Saturday for my husband. He works so hard during the week, and I usually have a 'honey do" list for him on the weekends. I like to give him a "honey do" list that has nothing on it. I take away any of my own expectations of what I wish/hope he will do, I take care of our son and allow him to do whatever he wants to do. Starting the day out with a breakfast with just the two of us makes it special too.

Gretchen

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For Valentine's Day one year (but could be for no reason at all) I decorated my husband's office door with 10 reasons why I love him.  I used butcher paper and each of the 10 reasons were on a different heart.  He still talks about that as his favorite gift that I've ever given him.

I've also left a new CD with a card in the seat of his car during the work day.

Kristen

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Keep a husband prayer journal. Date entries and what your husband is needing prayer for and PRAY. This encourages my husband very much. For him to know that I am aware and asking and praying for his heart. That Jesus would continue his work in my husband and that I am not to be the one to change my husband, but that I trust God to sanctify him.

Schedule social commitments, appointments, projects, and household tasks to happen when he is gone. So that when he is home, you have preserved time, your heart, and your body for giving to him.

When you are with him, pursue his heart with curiosity. Know what questions show him you are paying attention to him. When you ask him a question, look in his eyes, don’t do a task!

Send an email or a text message especially if he has a difficult meeting or conflict to deal with, letting him know that you are with him.

Have a family dinner that honors him, kids make cards thanking daddy for his work for the family and for God.

Make his favorite cookies and take them to his car while he is at work and leave them on a plate with a sweet note on his seat, for him to find when he gets off work.

Prepare your mind and body during the day to plan on making love. So, if he pursues you have prayed, prepared, and are ready to respond lovingly.

Pursue him sexually!

Know his schedule so that you can pray for him throughout his day.

Find old love letters and photocopy them. Write a sequel to the old one, finding new ways to express the same sentiment. Showing that as God has continued to bless your marriage, your love and commitment is deeper and your respect continually renewed for him. This can rekindle romance to think back to the intial “in love” feelings.

Trisha

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My husband doesn't always take initiative in setting up get-togethers with his guy friends. So once in awhile I'll gently suggest that he invite some of them over so he can have an enjoyable time with his buddies. I leave the house to them for a few hours but before I go, I whip up a big batch of chili, taco soup (Paula Deen's recipe is available online and is absolutely the best!), or some pulled pork in my slow cooker, and dish up all the sides and toppings on the buffet. The guys have a great night together, are well-fed, and I get an evening to myself at the local Starbucks, where I curl up with a good book! This is a fun way to "do him good" while exercising my own interests in hospitality and cooking in a unique way.

Melissa

Doing Your Husband Good, Day 4

More creative ideas from some excellent wives...

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My husband works evenings and gets off work at 11pm.  I have all the kids toys picked up, kitchen cleaned, sink wiped out, coffee ready for morning (he hates to have to make coffee in the morning), and I leave on some accent lighting so that he feels the calm, welcoming, serenity of home even if it’s after the day is done and we’re all in bed.

When he comes home and I’m already asleep (I really try to stay up for him though), I sometimes leave little love notes on his pillow for him to find when he comes to bed.

I am always complementing his physique and telling him how handsome I think he is.

I pray for him and sometimes I tell him when I’m praying for him so that he knows.

Last night I asked my husband what I do to do him good.  He responded by telling me that I spend our money very wisely.  I had never thought that was a way of doing him good, but I’m so glad that he has told me.  I would have never thought that spending the money that he works so hard for daily, in a wise fashion, was doing him good.  I praise God for such a godly husband!

Allison

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One way I try to do my husband good is to have a snack plate made for him every so often when he arrives home from work. It is usually simple...some sandwich meat rolled up, a few crackers, some cheese slices, and his favorite, pickled okra.  I have a drink waiting for him as well, like a glass of iced tea. I have it waiting for him in our bedroom, so it is a nice surprise when he goes in there. He has mentioned that he really appreciates it and shows him that I understand his need to have a few minutes at the end of the day to regroup before being "on" with me and the kids.

Aimee

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My husband loves things neat and tidy, which is a struggle for me with 3 very small children.  I asked him to call when he’s about 15 minutes from home and we have a fun “get ready for daddy” clean up session!  It really doesn’t take that much effort, and the reward of a peaceful living room and pleasing my husband is great.

Jenny

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Every morning (at least I try - depending on how the night with the kiddos goes...) I send him an email at work. I try to get it to him before he is able to sign on to this computer. It has the same subject line each time (an acronym code that I had engraved on his wedding ring) and in it I encourage him, thank him for all that he does for our family, let him know that the boys and I are praying for him, etc and that we can't wait to see him. I also greet him with something beautiful about the morning drive in.

He LOVES chocolate chip cookies and milk. Sometimes I make them as a surprise, and other times I make time if he asks me to. Either way, when they are finished baking and slightly cooled, I bring him 4 cookies on a plate with a big glass of milk to dunk them in. Always makes him smile!

DH is a student at SBTS. He really gets excited by his classes, so I whenever he gets home I ask him to tell me about the class and he just goes on and on and on about them. He's especially excited that I'm interested in what he's learning - esp. when I ask questions of him about something he or the prof. said.

Steph

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Anytime I ask my husband what he would like for his birthday or Christmas or how I could serve him, the answer is always the same.  Some form of physical intimacy is always at the top of his list. (It’s his favorite thing to do and it doesn’t cost a thing!) In fact, if I asked him how I could “do him good” he would quickly turn that into a very funny sexual innuendo.

So one Valentine’s Day I made him a little coupon book.  Each coupon had a different, creative, intimate experience.  Of course the coupons weren’t necessary because it is a part of our daily lives, but he loved the idea that I was thinking along the same lines that he was and was taking creative initiative.  If I think about it, invest time, thought, and energy into it and add a little creativity to it he is very blessed.

Name Not Submitted

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The idea is to let my husband know the many reasons that I love or appreciate him. I decorated a little box that sits on his desk at work. It says "How do I love you?" on the top. Then, about once a week, I put a little piece of paper (cute or plain) into his lunch with a short description of one way that I love or appreciate him. His box slowly fills up and he can look at them whenever he needs some encouragement during his workday! I've found that it's helpful to keep track of what I've already given him so that I don't repeat things.

Jessica

Doing Your Husband Good, Day 3

Another list of great ideas. You guys are good at this!

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As a mother of little ones, a friend and I were feeling challenged in the area of romance so we took turns surprising our husband by planning a surprise romantic evening. I dropped my little ones off at a friend’s house before my husband got home from work. He came home to a dark candlelit house with notes leading up to the bedroom. It was a lot of fun my husband enjoyed it.

Wendy

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I bought a book of postcards that I can address to his office. I am horrible at writing notes but it is really easy to tear out one of the postcards and jot a quick “I love you!” down and toss it in the mail.

When my husband has a late meeting and is not able to come home for dinner, I bring dinner to his office.

Lisa

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I put the ESV Bible onto an iPod, and bought and iTrip so it would run through the speakers of his truck.  He travels a lot from job site to job site each day, and he listens to hours and hours every day of Scripture.  He says he has never felt more spiritually fed.  I also put lots of good audio books & sermons on his iPod.  He continually thanks me for this little thing!

Love-making, love-making, love-making, love-making!   I highly recommend this as a "doing your husband good" idea!!!    (it's worth 100 times more than a note in the lunch box, he says!!! haha)

Anna

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Stay current and age appropriate in clothing, hair and makeup. (We both think the husband is honored when the wife cares about her appearance)

Be a student in your areas of responsibility.  Research home organization, meal planning, scheduling, packing for travel, moving and camping.  My husband says this frees his mind that I'm serving in these areas, thinking through details and streamlining things.

Take Naps!  Or do whatever it takes to be happy and refreshed when he gets home.

Keep lingerie fresh and interesting (don't save money here, thinking no one will see this bra I've had for 5 years, I'll spend money elsewhere. He sees it!)  I've coordinated lingerie costumes to holidays and he anticipates the surprise.

Plan a romantic stay at home for him, find a place for the children to go for the entire evening,  on the way home from dropping them off, pick up great take out food, tidy, not clean the house, create a special I'm all yours look and surprise him when he walks in the door.

Every time at the grocery, pick up something especially for him, nuts, olives, drinks, pastries, a football magazine etc.

Be available to go out to lunch with him during the week.

Back massages or scratches.

Love and enjoy the children, tell him evidences of grace in their lives from that day besides the areas they need to grow in.

Have his favorite snacks or treats for watching sports.

Be on time.

Love God more than anything!

Karen

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When he comes in from work, no matter what the kids and I are in the midst of, we all stop and run to the door to greet him.  He has said that this makes him feel loved and erases the memory of a bad day quickly.

When I make him a lunch, I usually tuck in a note of encouragement.  (an oldie but a goodie!!)

My husband travels often.  I try to tuck in a card or note without him noticing.  Also, adding a Hershey's Kiss for every night he is gone is fun.  That way, he still gets a kiss every night.  (Make sure to put the chocolate in a separate baggie.  Otherwise, he will be spending a few extra hours on the road in the laundromat.)

My husband LOVES football.  I can remember grumbling about this addiction (oh, I mean passion) just a few years ago.  I am so grateful to God for helping me to see even this as a way to love my husband.  I now show an interest in the games (either by watching them with him or releasing him to go to a friends house with a better TV than ours) and have even made a few fantasy football decisions for him.

Aleece

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My husband is an economist, and he was always wanting to talk to me about work.  I didn't really understand all of what he wanted to share, so I bought some books on economics and studied up so I could understand what he was sharing.  My husband loved that I took the time to learn about what was so important to him.

Sarah

Doing Your Husband Good, Day 2

Titus 2:3 exhorts the older women to teach the younger women. Today we can learn from four wise, older women—all have been married for more than twenty years—about ways each has learned to do her husband good.

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One way that I regularly strive in to do my husband good is by not complaining about my work in the home, but instead embrace it with joy.  We have a large family, and the duties that fall on my shoulders throughout the day are many.   Early on in our marriage, when I was just learning homemaking and trying to do a good job, I would feel overwhelmed by my tasks.  With young children underfoot, I would be tempted to think that my husband should do more to lighten my load, even though he was gone all day working hard to provide for us himself.  I learned then that I need to submit my heart to the Lord daily to undertake my responsibilities to serve my husband and family with a willing and joyful spirit.  I accepted the fact that it is not my husband's job to lighten my load, but my responsibility to take my "load" to the Lord and let Him lighten it by my finding that "the joy of the Lord is my strength."  I have to remind myself that I am my husband's helper and not the other way around.  This is not to say that a husband should never help his wife, but when we embrace our "helpmeet role" with faith and vision we can better appreciate the way the Lord designed marriage to produce the most fruit.  By my being efficient in housework, consistently training our children, diligently home educating them, teaching them to honor their daddy, and being a cheerful homemaker and wife, I can bring tremendous joy to my husband when he returns home from a hard day at work.  As Proverbs 31:11 says, "The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain."

Mary
Happily married to Dan for 27 years and blessed with 11 wonderful children.

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My hubby loves words of affirmation, so love notes and cards mean a lot to him.  (He even saves them all!)

Last Valentine's Day, I used some heart-shaped vinyl "stickers" and a red dry erase marker and I decorated our bathroom mirror with some of the things I love about him...Things like "You're a Great Dad"  "You're a wonderful provider" "You are a godly leader of our family", etc.  My big and colorful message did surprise and please him.  (My teen guys thought it was neat, so I secretly did a little one on their mirror also.)

Sending love notes (complete with heart stickers and lipstick kiss imprints on the outside of the envelope) to his work

Making sure to take care of little things he asks you to do (like mending, running errands)

Buy a new nightgown that you know will please him

Clean his car--inside and out-----polish everything!

Say nice things about him to others (in front of him AND when he isn't
present also)

Clean out his closet or clean and straighten his bookshelf

Plan a dining room date for just the two of you (the kids get to eat in front of their favorite movie in another room, while you and your husband have couple time!)  Don't forget the candles!

Bake his favorite goodies---often!!

Clean out all his drawers and neaten all his clothes.

Ask him what he is in need of as you go shopping.

Tell your children (often) how blessed they are to have him for a dad.Tell them how much they should appreciate all that their dad does for them (and name those things specifically!)

Keep a dry erase board on the refrigerator---to write little love notes to your hubby

When he travels, hide little love notes all through his luggage (in pockets, shoes, socks, shaving kit, books, etc)

Try to take care of (even learn more of how to do) household tasks that are hard for him to find time for, or maybe doesn't enjoy doing (like painting walls and trim or shampooing carpet).  We are ladies, but we can work hard and learn how to do those things.

When he comes back from a trip, make him a large poster telling him all the things you missed about him!

Write love note (G-rated, of course) in large sidewalk chalk letters in your driveway (may be good to use in combination with the in-house date--above!)

Kidnap your husband from work and take his somewhere special (you will have to get his boss's permission!)---Elementary-aged kids really love helping with this--including a "ransom note" made with letters cut out of magazines!

Draw hearts in the snow on his car or in the snow of your driveway.

Go in (secretly) to his work office in the evening and decorate his whole desk with cut-out red and white heart and love notes (Good way to celebrate Valentine's Day!)

One of our "love traditions" is the TEA BOX--- when we were first married, we took turns buying one another small fun items that would fit inside of a tea box (you could use any kind of small box).  It was a way of saying, "I love you and was thinking of you today."  As life got busy with children, we let that tradition slip by the wayside, but in the past year and a half, we have started it up again (We just celebrated our 25th anniversary).  It is so fun to buy special little things for him AND to see what he finds for me also.  (And he is always so glad when he has found something that especially pleases me!)

Valerie

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I am most happy in my marriage when I am making my husband happy and so my doing him good ends up doing myself good.  I learned this early on in our marriage, 30+ years ago.  When children came along I was very task oriented.  My husband after dinner would ask me to sit with him with a cup of coffee.  At first my inward response was, "I have too much to do..."  or "the kids need.....".  But then I realized that this was something my husband desired of me and therefore was more important than anything else.  And so began a daily ritual of after dinner coffee and conversation.  For 1/2 hour each day our children observed that mommy and daddy had each other's attention and they would be best served by waiting their turn.  I am so thankful for these times.  Yes, I was initially doing my husband good, but I was doing myself good and I believe doing our children good.

Gayline

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We have been married for 22 years and my husband still says that he loves when I smile at him as he enters the room. It's free, it takes about 5 seconds and it honors him!

Marcia

Doing Your Husband Good, Day 1

Wow girls…there must be a lot of happy husbands out there! We received so many responses to our request for ideas for doing our husband good that we could spend a few weeks posting and not get to them all. As it is, we’re going to pass on as many as we can in the next five days.

I trust it goes without saying that you have to determine which of these ideas might bless your husband. Getting it wrong might not be so good! But even if we each come away with only a few ideas, I hope they will all inspire us to do our husband as much good as we can, all the days of our lives.

Here are the first seven women with some super ideas: 

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I've had some big creative plans like scavenger hunts with love notes and special activities...but surprising to me those weren't the most successful ways of doing good to my husband.  I got the best reaction from him with a couple of simple efforts.  I can often have a bad attitude when he needs to work late and about his love for sports.  One night when he was working late I left him a nice note, a copy of Sports Illustrated, and a big glass of iced tea.  When he arrived home and saw these things it meant the world to him!

The other thing that was very successful was I taught our two year old daughter to say, "Thank you for working Daddy!" every time he arrived home.  He loved it and she received such great reactions from him she says it all the time.

Heather

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Sometimes when my hubby first gets home from work, I'll have his favorite snack and a drink sitting by the computer w/ his favorite websites pulled up or I'll have a bath run for him w/ soft music and a candle going to give him a little time to relax after his hard day!

This is something we both do - the first one to brush their teeth sets the other's toothbrush w/ paste out. It's small, but just a nice gesture to show that you are thinking of the other person.

Asking him in the mornings before he leaves, "Is there anything I can do for you today? Is there anything I can pray about for you today?"

These were my husband's responses when I asked him for some ways I "do him good”:

~ Cooking meals!
~ Being a good steward of our money
~ Practicing frugality by finding good deals at the store

Nicki

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1.) speak well of him to others (both when he is present and when he is not)
2.) pack him a lunch (and include a tasty treat)
3.) tell him regularly that you are happy you married him
4.) tell his mother how wonderfully he treats you
5.) tell your mother how wonderfully he treats you
6.) forgive him in grace, even when he forgets things that are important to you
7.) regularly tell your kids the things you love about him
8.) help your kids write special notes to him, affirming the things they love about him as a dad
9.) take the initiative in love-making and be willing to be spontaneous (a hard thing for tired moms sometimes!)
10.) encourage him to spend time with his guy friends and help make sure it happens regularly (our men sometimes forget how much they need this kind of time).

Melissa

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My husband is blessed when I choose to be content, joyful and thankful regardless of my circumstances.  The first thing that came to mind as a way to bless my husband from a distance (he was on a business trip) was to send him an email with the highlights of our day.  For him to know that I was doing well and that I wasn't overwhelmed with caring for three girls by myself really put his mind at ease.

Jen

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I emailed my husband 10 reasons I love, like or respect about him each day, up to 100 reasons. I was a bit worried at the beginning of the project that I would be able to come up with 100 reasons, but it was surprisingly easy, and he liked it so much that I continue to send him reasons every now and again...I think we're up to 160. He never saves e-mails, but he keeps these in a special folder, and it's actually good for me as well. Whenever I feel bitterness, frustration, or resentment creeping into my heart toward him, I go back and look at all my lists and remember how blessed I am!

Amy

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I write him a note on his napkin when I pack his lunch--or on his orange or banana.

Make notes or emails fun by writing a poem (romantic or silly!). I have also written sweet (well, hopefully sweet!) poems when I have needed to apologize for something, and my husband has said it's meant a lot to him.

My hubby says he is able to work better at his job when he knows that we are doing well at home. So sometimes, instead of just saying "we're fine" I send him a picture on the computer or on his cell phone of our sons happily playing or even of me giving him a big smile. He says he loves to be able to see what we're doing and feel at home even when he's away from home.  Also, sometimes when my husband is in class at seminary, and I know he is getting tired near the end of the day, I send him a picture on his cell phone of something I just baked in the oven so he knows what's waiting for him when he gets home. He loves that!

I try to surprise him when he's not expecting it...like putting a tiny "I love you" note on his fork when I set the table or putting his towel in the dryer while he is showering so it's all warm when he gets out. When he is typing a paper on his computer and he leaves his computer for a moment, I sneak and type in big letters on his paper I LOVE YOU! or something like that so that when he returns he has a surprise note waiting!

For his birthday last year I left Happy Birthday notes stuck everywhere...on the bathroom mirror, his dresser, his breakfast plate, the steering wheel in the car, his cell phone, etc. He loved it!

This is not very creative, but I know one of the biggest ways I encourage my husband is to have a yummy meal and a big kiss for him when he gets home at the end of the day!

One more idea--I typed up a questionnaire for him and asked him all sorts of questions ranging from "Do you think we have enough variety when it comes to meals?" to "What is the habit you would most like to see me change?" He said that he liked being able to write things out because it helped him think better, and it helped him to articulate his thoughts. He liked it so much that he made one up for me to fill out! It really sparked good conversation and helped us to talk out some things that surfaced as a result of our answers on the questionnaires. (Note: I made my questionnaire look like an official letter and formally addressed it to him in an envelope, wrote a mock set of instructions, etc. It made it fun and helped convey affection--well, at least that's what my hubby said!)

Christy

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Well, I have personally found doing good to my husband, is to have sex with him.  That always cheers him up.  The Lord has obviously given this beautiful intimacy (in the context of marriage) for all to enjoy! 

Frances

Thinking Good About Him

As wives, we frequently face situations where we are tempted to think harsh and critical thoughts about our husbands. Sometimes we are more inclined to concentrate on what our husbands are doing wrong than what they are doing right. We are more aware of their deficiencies than areas where they excel. But if we submit to these temptations they will only dampen any desire to do them good.

In her book Love Has a Price Tag, Elisabeth Elliot includes some very good counsel from her husband for wives:

“A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy.”

The apostle Paul understood the influence of people’s thoughts and feelings on their behavior. He exhorted the Philippians in this way: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worth of praise, think about these things” (Phil 4:8).

As we choose to focus on our husbands’ many commendable qualities—to enjoy the “eighty percent”, we’ll be amazed. We’ll grow in our eagerness to encourage, serve and love them—to do them good all our days.

When I Don’t Want to Do Him Good

We’ve considered ways to do our husbands good (with more great ideas sent in by the hour—keep ‘em comin’ ladies!); but we must also pay attention to what hinders us from doing our husband good. In Feminine Appeal I recount a time, early in my marriage, when I discovered a hindrance to loving my husband.

During my courtship with C.J., he had multiple speaking engagements in the local central Florida area. We were both desperate to be together; so as much as possible I would accompany him to these meetings. Before long I began to notice an unusual pattern: Mealtime would come and go, and C.J., preoccupied with ministering to people, would completely forget to eat. What’s more, it didn’t occur to him that I might be hungry! However, I didn’t mind all that much. I so enjoyed his company that I was easily able to ignore my hunger pangs.

Then we got married. We traveled often during our first year of marriage, and, not surprisingly, eating continued to remain a low priority for C.J. But now I began to grow resentful whenever we missed a meal. He’s not thinking about me. He’s more concerned about his ministry than he is about my needs. As these thoughts simmered, the loving feelings I felt for my husband turned to vengeful feelings, and these vengeful feelings led to angry reactions.

Where did all the love go?

The answer is very simple: sin destroyed my tender love, and with it, my desire to do my husband good. C.J. hadn’t changed. He wasn’t behaving any differently than before we were married. He certainly didn’t have evil motives—not that this would have justified my anger. But instead of being patient with him as he learned to care for a wife, instead of being happy to serve him as he cared for others, I began to respond with bitterness and resentment.

If we find that our desire to do our husband good is waning or has subsided altogether, then we do not need to look any further than our own hearts. Where sin is present, our eagerness to serve dissipates. Anger, bitterness, criticism, pride, selfishness, fear, laziness—all vigorously oppose our desire and efforts to do our husband good. 

So if you find a lack of desire to do your husband good today, ask God to reveal what sin may be hindering that desire. He is eager to grant you the gift of repentance and to change your heart toward your husband!

Send Us Your Ideas

Chelsea wrote to say that she’s creatively challenged like me and would love more than ten ways to do her husband good.  I applaud your eagerness, Chelsea!

So, girltalk readers, we need your help again. Email us (successful) ways you have found to do your husband good and we’ll put the “best of” all in one document for easy reference. Send us your ideas by Friday and we’ll post them on Monday. Hopefully many husbands will be the recipients of much good, and we’ll all have ideas to draw from for many years to come.

And husbands (we know you’re out there!): you can participate too. If there is a way your wife has done you good, we’d love to hear about it and give you a chance to brag on her!

All Her Days

"She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12

My conversation with the Proverbs 31 Woman--

Me: How often do you do your husband good?
Proverbs 31 Woman: All the days of my life.
Me: Are you kidding? Do you really mean all? That’s impossible! I’ve failed already!

Before we become discouraged by our utter inability to measure up to the Proverbs 31 woman’s standard, we must first remember that the picture here is not one of perfection but of consistency and faithfulness.

All of us have no doubt fallen short many times. There are often days where in one way or another I fail to do good to my husband—whether by sins I commit against him, or opportunities to do him good that I miss or ignore.

But we can grow to resemble more and more this portrait of the Proverbs 31 woman—even after our failures, in spite of our weaknesses and temptations, and in the face of great trials or challenges in our marriage. We can persist in doing our husband good.

How?

To answer this question, we can turn to Psalm 23:6. There, the Psalmist declares the truth of God’s faithfulness to him: “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.”

Here is not only consistency but perfection: all. Here is not simply good intentions but certain fulfillment: surely. Here we find not only acts of goodness but abundant, overwhelming goodness-- because this goodness is from God Himself, come to us through the person and work of Jesus Christ.

I once heard John Piper explain that the word “follow” in this verse could be more accurately translated “pursues.” God, with goodness and mercy in hand, pursues us. He hunts us down, in the midst of our sins, failures, in the midst of the trials and difficulties in our marriage.

He is eager to give us conviction for sin, forgiveness in Christ, a renewed desire to do our husband good, strength to persevere (even in a difficult marriage) and faith to see Him working all things for our good.

So how do we do our husband good? First and foremost remember that God has and is pursuing us with His goodness and mercy all the days of our lives.

Ten Ways

I hope you’ve been brainstorming—and acting—to do your husband good (‘cause remember, you have unique gifts and are called by God to do him good). But, if you are creatively challenged like me, you might need some ideas to get you started.

When we discussed this topic at my church a while back, some ladies got together and came up with a short list of ideas. So here are “10 Ways To Do Your Husband Good.” Monday is a great day to start!

10 Ways to Do Your Husband Good (Proverbs 31:12)

    * Write him a love note and place it in his sock drawer.
    * Take an entire evening to enjoy his favorite hobby with him.
    * Show up at work with a special drink or take him to lunch.
    * Encourage him for demonstrating a specific godly trait—in front of friends.
    * Arrange a datenight at his favorite restaurant.
    * Pray for him today and tell him you are doing so.
    * Surprise him with his favorite dessert after dinner.
    * Greet him in an extra-special way when he comes home from work.
    * Lead the children in a time of honoring him.
    * Ask him: “What is one way I can be a better wife?” Then do it!

Doing Him Good (even when it’s laundry)

"She does him GOOD, and not harm, all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12

We are to use our gifts to do good to our husband, but we must also do him good in ways that don’t come naturally to us but would be a blessing to him. We must be willing to go beyond what feels comfortable or easy in order to do our husband good.

Maybe we don’t like to cook but our husband really enjoys a gourmet meal. Maybe we aren’t the “organized type,” but our husband prefers everything in its place. For many husbands, romance and physical intimacy top the list. Maybe there are interests or hobbies our husband would like us to do with him that wouldn’t be our first choice.

I, for one, seriously dislike doing laundry. No good reason for this lack of affection, but there it is. But Mike really appreciates it when I am consistent with this chore. (I wonder why? I mean who cares if they run out of clean clothes?) Often I’m tempted to put my personal preferences before the laundry. But when I stop and consider my responsibility to do my husband good by putting his desires before mine, I get a biblical perspective on that pile of dirty clothes, and it makes its way to the laundry room faster.

Now, obviously we all have limitations. We can’t become experts in an area that’s beyond our ability. (Too bad laundry isn’t beyond my ability!) However, we must not allow selfishness to keep us from doing good in ways that our husband desires. We can’t hide behind the excuse that “I’m just not good at this” or “this isn’t how I’m wired.” God is eager to help us grow in serving our husbands.

And we can’t assume that we already know what is “good” to our husband. We need to ask. So here’s some weekend homework: let’s take a few minutes and ask our husbands, “What is one way that I can do you good?” And let’s be prepared for action--even if it’s laundry.