Marriage

When I Don’t Want to Do Him Good

We’ve considered ways to do our husbands good (with more great ideas sent in by the hour—keep ‘em comin’ ladies!); but we must also pay attention to what hinders us from doing our husband good. In Feminine Appeal I recount a time, early in my marriage, when I discovered a hindrance to loving my husband.

During my courtship with C.J., he had multiple speaking engagements in the local central Florida area. We were both desperate to be together; so as much as possible I would accompany him to these meetings. Before long I began to notice an unusual pattern: Mealtime would come and go, and C.J., preoccupied with ministering to people, would completely forget to eat. What’s more, it didn’t occur to him that I might be hungry! However, I didn’t mind all that much. I so enjoyed his company that I was easily able to ignore my hunger pangs.

Then we got married. We traveled often during our first year of marriage, and, not surprisingly, eating continued to remain a low priority for C.J. But now I began to grow resentful whenever we missed a meal. He’s not thinking about me. He’s more concerned about his ministry than he is about my needs. As these thoughts simmered, the loving feelings I felt for my husband turned to vengeful feelings, and these vengeful feelings led to angry reactions.

Where did all the love go?

The answer is very simple: sin destroyed my tender love, and with it, my desire to do my husband good. C.J. hadn’t changed. He wasn’t behaving any differently than before we were married. He certainly didn’t have evil motives—not that this would have justified my anger. But instead of being patient with him as he learned to care for a wife, instead of being happy to serve him as he cared for others, I began to respond with bitterness and resentment.

If we find that our desire to do our husband good is waning or has subsided altogether, then we do not need to look any further than our own hearts. Where sin is present, our eagerness to serve dissipates. Anger, bitterness, criticism, pride, selfishness, fear, laziness—all vigorously oppose our desire and efforts to do our husband good. 

So if you find a lack of desire to do your husband good today, ask God to reveal what sin may be hindering that desire. He is eager to grant you the gift of repentance and to change your heart toward your husband!

Send Us Your Ideas

Chelsea wrote to say that she’s creatively challenged like me and would love more than ten ways to do her husband good.  I applaud your eagerness, Chelsea!

So, girltalk readers, we need your help again. Email us (successful) ways you have found to do your husband good and we’ll put the “best of” all in one document for easy reference. Send us your ideas by Friday and we’ll post them on Monday. Hopefully many husbands will be the recipients of much good, and we’ll all have ideas to draw from for many years to come.

And husbands (we know you’re out there!): you can participate too. If there is a way your wife has done you good, we’d love to hear about it and give you a chance to brag on her!

All Her Days

"She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12

My conversation with the Proverbs 31 Woman--

Me: How often do you do your husband good?
Proverbs 31 Woman: All the days of my life.
Me: Are you kidding? Do you really mean all? That’s impossible! I’ve failed already!

Before we become discouraged by our utter inability to measure up to the Proverbs 31 woman’s standard, we must first remember that the picture here is not one of perfection but of consistency and faithfulness.

All of us have no doubt fallen short many times. There are often days where in one way or another I fail to do good to my husband—whether by sins I commit against him, or opportunities to do him good that I miss or ignore.

But we can grow to resemble more and more this portrait of the Proverbs 31 woman—even after our failures, in spite of our weaknesses and temptations, and in the face of great trials or challenges in our marriage. We can persist in doing our husband good.

How?

To answer this question, we can turn to Psalm 23:6. There, the Psalmist declares the truth of God’s faithfulness to him: “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.”

Here is not only consistency but perfection: all. Here is not simply good intentions but certain fulfillment: surely. Here we find not only acts of goodness but abundant, overwhelming goodness-- because this goodness is from God Himself, come to us through the person and work of Jesus Christ.

I once heard John Piper explain that the word “follow” in this verse could be more accurately translated “pursues.” God, with goodness and mercy in hand, pursues us. He hunts us down, in the midst of our sins, failures, in the midst of the trials and difficulties in our marriage.

He is eager to give us conviction for sin, forgiveness in Christ, a renewed desire to do our husband good, strength to persevere (even in a difficult marriage) and faith to see Him working all things for our good.

So how do we do our husband good? First and foremost remember that God has and is pursuing us with His goodness and mercy all the days of our lives.

Ten Ways

I hope you’ve been brainstorming—and acting—to do your husband good (‘cause remember, you have unique gifts and are called by God to do him good). But, if you are creatively challenged like me, you might need some ideas to get you started.

When we discussed this topic at my church a while back, some ladies got together and came up with a short list of ideas. So here are “10 Ways To Do Your Husband Good.” Monday is a great day to start!

10 Ways to Do Your Husband Good (Proverbs 31:12)

    * Write him a love note and place it in his sock drawer.
    * Take an entire evening to enjoy his favorite hobby with him.
    * Show up at work with a special drink or take him to lunch.
    * Encourage him for demonstrating a specific godly trait—in front of friends.
    * Arrange a datenight at his favorite restaurant.
    * Pray for him today and tell him you are doing so.
    * Surprise him with his favorite dessert after dinner.
    * Greet him in an extra-special way when he comes home from work.
    * Lead the children in a time of honoring him.
    * Ask him: “What is one way I can be a better wife?” Then do it!

Doing Him Good (even when it’s laundry)

"She does him GOOD, and not harm, all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12

We are to use our gifts to do good to our husband, but we must also do him good in ways that don’t come naturally to us but would be a blessing to him. We must be willing to go beyond what feels comfortable or easy in order to do our husband good.

Maybe we don’t like to cook but our husband really enjoys a gourmet meal. Maybe we aren’t the “organized type,” but our husband prefers everything in its place. For many husbands, romance and physical intimacy top the list. Maybe there are interests or hobbies our husband would like us to do with him that wouldn’t be our first choice.

I, for one, seriously dislike doing laundry. No good reason for this lack of affection, but there it is. But Mike really appreciates it when I am consistent with this chore. (I wonder why? I mean who cares if they run out of clean clothes?) Often I’m tempted to put my personal preferences before the laundry. But when I stop and consider my responsibility to do my husband good by putting his desires before mine, I get a biblical perspective on that pile of dirty clothes, and it makes its way to the laundry room faster.

Now, obviously we all have limitations. We can’t become experts in an area that’s beyond our ability. (Too bad laundry isn’t beyond my ability!) However, we must not allow selfishness to keep us from doing good in ways that our husband desires. We can’t hide behind the excuse that “I’m just not good at this” or “this isn’t how I’m wired.” God is eager to help us grow in serving our husbands.

And we can’t assume that we already know what is “good” to our husband. We need to ask. So here’s some weekend homework: let’s take a few minutes and ask our husbands, “What is one way that I can do you good?” And let’s be prepared for action--even if it’s laundry.

Good With Her Gifts

“She does him GOOD, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:12

What’s this “good” we’re supposed to do for our husband look like? The possibilities are endless! But to get us started, a few simple categories might help. First off, we should do him good by using our gifts.

In God’s great sovereignty, he has given each of us specific skills and gifts. And they aren’t just for our own amusement or success. They are reservoirs from which we are to draw good for our husband.

Maybe you are organized or discerning or detailed. You might be good with finances (unlike me!) or skilled in counseling or have a great sense of humor. Your gifts may be in serving or encouragement. Maybe your husband loves the fact that you are an intelligent conversationalist or an empathetic listener. You may be tech-savvy or a gourmet cook or an artist.

Whatever grace God has given you should be used for the good of your husband!

For example, God has blessed me (to a small degree) with a creative eye, which I try to use in my photography and in decorating our home. Mike really appreciates the many family pictures hanging on our walls and also the wacky decorating schemes I come up with--like a traffic light hanging from my living room ceiling! Your husband might not appreciate this so much, but I bet he does want the gifts you have to offer.

In the movie, Chariots of Fire, the character playing Eric Liddell makes that famous statement: “When I run I feel His [God’s] pleasure.” When we use the gifts God has given us for the good of our husbands we can be a blessing to them, and we can also know the pleasure of God.

So are you getting excited about all the good you can do your husband with the gifts God has given you? I hope so. What’s one way you can do him good with your gifts today?

Her First Priority

“She does HIM good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:12

The object of this wife’s active do-gooding is her husband.

Obviously the Proverbs 31 woman does good to many people—her children, her servants, the poor and needy, the business community. But it seems clear from verse 12—and many other places in Scripture—that the primary priority of the virtuous woman is to do her husband good. He is to be the number one recipient of her efforts and energy.

It’s easy for us as women to get busy trying to do a lot of good for a lot of people—our children, the church, the community. But if we don’t make doing good to our husband our highest priority, or if doing good to others hinders or significantly limits the good we can do our husband, we are not an authentic replica of the Proverbs 31 woman.

Now, I’m not trying to add to your to-do list. Actually, this truth helps to simplify my life. When I put my husband as the first priority (after my relationship with God, of course) it helps me determine what else is important and what is not.

Sad to say, I don’t always do this. Sometimes I am quick to meet my kid’s needs or to agree to do a favor for a friend without considering whether or not it would serve my husband. Serving my children and those in the church is right and important--as we see in the example of the Proverbs 31 woman. But I must remember that I am uniquely gifted and called to do good to my husband first.

Charles Spurgeon describes the excellent wife: “She asks not how her behavior may please a stranger, or how another’s judgment may approve her conduct; let her beloved be content and she is glad.”

I want God’s help to continue to make Brian’s good my first and glad priority.

A Woman of Action

“She DOES him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:12)

The Proverbs 31 woman is a woman of action. She isn’t simply a well-wisher of her husband’s happiness; she’s a doer of good to him. She brings him good, it says in the NIV. She delivers and supplies good to him. She does it.

It doesn’t say whether or not she feels like doing her husband good. In fact, feelings don’t enter into the matter. Not that feelings are irrelevant--if we lack desire to do our husband good, this needs to be investigated. Maybe bitterness has corroded our desire, laziness has dampened it, or busyness and selfishness have stifled it. If so, we must repent from sin and ask God to revive in our hearts a desire to do good to our husband.

But we must not wait for some lovey-dovey feeling or just the right time to do him good. Instead, as a step of repentance, we must act for our husband's good. This not only proves our desire for his happiness, but will fuel it as well.

“The…conclusive evidence of our wishing or willing to do good to another” wrote Jonathan Edwards, “is, to do it.” He goes on: “In every case nothing can be plainer, than that the proper and conclusive evidence of the will, is the act…for whatever we truly desire, we do thus seek.”

If we truly desire our husband's good, we’ll make specific efforts toward his happiness. We will not simply love him in word or tongue, “but in deed and truth” (1 John 3:18-19).

Maybe, like me, you are full of good intentions and resolutions but often come up empty on action. That’s when a plan can be helpful. Take a few minutes to think about your husband and ask yourself: “What is one way I can do him good and how can I make it happen?”

May God, the source of all good, help us grow in doing good to our husband.

Called To Do Him Good

We’re not only gifted to do our husbands good. Scripture makes it our responsibility as well. Just check out Genesis 2:18 and Proverbs 31:12 for starters.

Charles Bridges describes this wifely disposition:

“Her husband’s comfort is her interest and her rest. To live for him is her highest happiness. This course of disinterested regard and devoted affection when conducted on Christian principles, commends most graciously the ‘holy and honourable estate of matrimony.’…No greater glory could be desired, than that which is given to it, that it should illustrate ‘the great mystery,’ – ‘Christ and his church,’ the identity of interest between them; her trials his; his cause hers.”

Devotion to our husbands’ comfort goes against our culture’s idea of marriage, not to mention our own selfishness. But doing our husbands good is of great importance because it mirrors one half of that “identity of interest between Christ and the church.” (And yes, there’s another half for the guys, but that’s not our topic for today!)

We are to do our husbands good: not only for their sakes or to get something from them in return, but because we love our Savior. This responsibility is an honor because it is ultimately for Christ. And we can have confidence that God Himself will bless us as we seek to do our husbands good.

He’s the one, after all, who transforms our motives from “I do me good” to “I do him good.” If it weren’t for God’s grace at work in our hearts, the only “good” we would do our husbands wouldn’t be good at all, but rather manipulation dressed up as goodness. He’s the one who gives us the desire and he will help us persevere in doing our husbands good.

Gifted To Do Him Good

“SHE does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Prov. 31:12

For the next few days we’re going to consider this verse, drawing in part from a message given by Nicole.

First, take a look--Who is the one designed and appointed to bring my husband good? It’s none other then me!  Many people may be a blessing to my husband, but as his wife, I have been created, fashioned and designed to be the most effective at bringing my husband good.”

We learn this in the first pages of our Bible. Gen. 2:18 says “Then the Lord said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’” (emphasis mine).

What was not good? For the man to be alone.

What was good? For the man to have a helper, his wife.

Each of us, no less than Eve, was carefully fashioned, down to the last detail, to be a helper “fit” for our husband. We have a unique ability to do him good. The strengths, talents and gifts that God has given to us are the perfect combination to complement him.

I am sometimes tempted to sinfully compare myself to other women who I think are more beautiful, gifted, creative, or competent than me. But no other person, no matter how gifted they are, could fill my role as Brian’s wife better than I can. I have been carefully fashioned by my Creator to serve my husband.

The truth that God has made me a helper fit for my husband fills me with faith for my role. It also excites me to do him all the good that I possibly can!

“She [that’s me!] does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”

Doing Good in A Difficult Marriage

"She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." (Prov. 31:12)

As we study a topic like “doing your husband good,” I think of the women I know who are in difficult marriages. Maybe you are one of them. Maybe your husband has sinned against God and against you in significant ways and yet remains unrepentant. Your seemingly senseless situation poses the question: “How can God expect me to do good to my husband?”

For the answer, we must view such circumstances in light of the cross, where God the Father sacrificed His only Son. This event did not seem to make sense either. But out of Christ’s unspeakable suffering, God, in His perfect wisdom, provided salvation for mankind. If He has purchased our salvation through the suffering and sacrifice of His Son, can we not trust that He is working good in the midst of our suffering (Rom. 8:28)?

If you are in an exceptionally trying situation with your husband, I encourage you to pour out your heart to the Lord of love. He knows, He sees, and He hears; and though your tears may be lost on your husband, they are not lost on your heavenly Father. He is the compassionate Lord who urges us to draw near to Him so “that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Heb 4:16).

Although you may not understand, you can be sure your marriage has God’s loving inscription upon it. God’s unerring wisdom has ordained your relationship with your husband—for your good and for Christ’s glory. Look to God for strength to endure, for the Lord promises that He will husband you (Isa. 54:5-6). God will renew your strength so you will not grow weary in doing good to your husband.

And you do not know what the Lord has planned for your future. Your doing good to your husband could be the very means God uses to soften his heart toward you and toward Himself.

I hope that as we continue this little series you will be encouraged to persevere in doing your husband good, for the glory of God, and in the strength that He provides.

The Proverbs 31 Wife

“She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12).

We want to examine one aspect of the Proverbs 31 woman’s portrait: her role as a wife.

“Doing Your Husband Good” wouldn’t play well on the cover of a woman’s magazine these days. In the aftermath of the feminist movement, motherhood has made a comeback, and even domesticity has regained popularity, but the role of a wife as portrayed in the Bible remains repulsive.

As Christian women we can sometimes resemble our culture’s portrait of the worthy woman more than Scripture’s. Motherhood can consume us, the home is an endless cycle of chores, and then we try to carve out some time for ourselves—our own hobbies and interests. There can be little time or energy left to do our husbands good.

But our role as a wife is to be our highest priority, our first concern. Our husband should come before the kids, before the house, and yes, even before our own hobbies and pursuits.

Scripture makes this abundantly clear, as Mom points out in Feminine Appeal. She cites Genesis 2:18 where we read that the woman was created to be her husband’s helper; then 1 Cor 11:9 where Paul writes that man was not created for woman, but woman for man. In Titus 2 we find that “the list of instructions for the younger women begins and ends with their relationship to their husbands.”

What does this look like, especially for those in difficult marriages? Mom weighs in tomorrow. 

The Ideal Woman

She’s the woman we love to hate: the Proverbs 31 woman.

For one thing, she never seems to sleep: “she rises while it is yet night” and “her lamp does not go out at night.” Her family always has clean laundry (folded and put away in drawers, no doubt)—they are clothed in fine linen and purple, the best materials available.

This woman manages her household with skill and wisdom. On the side she is able to turn a profit in business ventures for the good of her family. In her spare time she cares for the poor.

She’s strong; she’s wise; she’s godly. And she’s intimidating.

For that reason, we sometimes avoid the Proverbs 31 woman. If we were at a party with characters from the Bible, most of us would probably rather hang out with some of the more “flawed” women: Sarah who laughed at God’s promises, or Rebekah who was deceptive, or Martha who was rebuked by our Lord.

It’s an ugly quality in us as women: we sometimes take delight in other women’s weaknesses and avoid those we think are better than us in some way. And who is more perfect than the Proverbs 31 woman?

But God himself has commissioned what Charles Bridges calls this “full-length portrait of the virtuous woman.” We are not to shy away from her in pride because we feel we can’t attain to all her virtues. Rather, we are to humbly admit that while we fall far short of her example, God has called us to learn from her.

The Proverbs 31 woman is not meant to discourage us, but to inspire and encourage us. God desires to make us more like this godly woman. Just as he gives us grace to fulfill all of His commands, so He has provided power to help us resemble this lovely portrait. So let's take a closer look.

Cherish Him

It’s time to take a closer look at how to cultivate the wifely affection that we talked about yesterday.  And who better to ask what makes a husband feel cherished than husbands?

Chapter two in Feminine Appeal contains responses from different men about how their wives show them this tender love.  I have included some of them here to get you thinking…

“If I’m sick in bed, my wife prepares tea and meals for me without my asking and waits on me hand and foot.  It’s as though her world stops so she can take care of me.”

“Each time Karin catches my eye in public with a smile and subtle wink, or greets me with a warm embrace upon my arrival home from work, or hangs on my arm when we go out on a date, the message comes through loud and clear: ‘I enjoy being with you and want you to know that I love you.’”

“With just a handful of exceptions, Lisa has written me a note in my lunch every single workday for over ten years.”

“My wife shows me affection through a constant stream of small surprises--showing up at work with my favorite Starbucks drink, making her famous brownies on no special occasion, arranging to borrow a friend’s convertible sports car for our anniversary.  Not all have been extremely costly, but all have been very meaningful.”

“I am cherished by my wife through her fervent and faithful intercessory prayer for me.  Her conviction is that no one can care for me like my heavenly Father.”

And here’s one more fun idea I recently came across. My mom was given this t-shirt as a gift and immediately began wearing it.  After my husband saw it, he began dropping hints about how he might like me to have the same shirt. This Christmas, one of his gifts under the tree was this t-shirt which I proudly wear! (Although we can't heartily endorse all the t-shirts on the website, you can purchase your very own "i love my husband" t-shirt here.)

So, we have no more excuses, ladies! There are plenty of ideas here for showing affection to our husband. Let’s get started today!

Affectionate Love

The final topic in our mini-series on marriage is affection. When I asked my husband, Mike, if affection was among his "top three,” I received a resounding "oh definitely!"  I suspected as much.

I find it interesting that Scripture highlights an affectionate love as a priority for us as wives. In Titus 2 we are commanded to love our husbands, and the word for love there is the Greek word, phileo.

My mom defines phileo for us in Feminine Appeal: “This word describes the love between very close friends.  It is a tender, affectionate, passionate kind of love.  It emphasizes enjoyment and respect in a relationship.” 

It is also interesting to note (as my mom writes) that phileo is used instead of agape. You see,

“The Greek word agape refers to a self-sacrificing love. It’s a love that gives to others even if nothing is given back. Yet Paul didn’t use agape in describing the love we are to cultivate for our husbands. He chose phileo. In fact, in commands specifically related to wives, agape is never used. Now this does not mean we have been released from needing to extend this kind of love. [However] I believe women are generally weaker in exhibiting an affectionate love—thus the instructions given to us in Titus 2.

In fact, women will often continue to sacrifice and serve their husbands even if all tender feelings for them have subsided. I have met women like that! They obviously do not respect their husbands. They certainly do not have tender feelings for them. Yet that does not hinder these women from continuing to wash their husbands’ clothes, cook their meals, and clean the house for them.

How often I am guilty of this same thing! I frequently get bogged down with serving Mike, all the while neglecting one of the things that mean the most to him.  For all you wives who can relate, we’ll try to inspire you tomorrow with some ideas for showering your husband with a tender love.