2011 at 12:07 pm | by Carolyn Mahaney
Recently, at a book club with some of Janelle’s friends, a young woman asked me: “What does submission look like in every day life?”
That’s a great question, because submission is an every day thing. It’s not an occasional quality, only useful when there’s a big decision to be made. And it isn’t passive either, something we mindlessly acquiesce to, if we must. Biblical submission is active, intelligent, and consistent.
John Piper describes a wife’s submission as “the divine calling to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.” That’s a full-time job!
First, we are to honor and affirm our husband’s leadership (even if it leaves something to be desired). This requires heart work—cultivating humility and trust in God which sees our own shortcomings before our husband’s, and sees past our husband’s shortcomings to God’s faithfulness.
But we must not only honor his leadership, we must help carry it through. This means that in every day life we must contribute our suggestions, offer wisdom and insight, pray and encourage, as well as correct. When we serve our husband in humility, we strengthen his leadership.
And we must do this according to our gifts. God has graced us as women generally, and as our husband’s wife particularly, to help support our husband’s leadership. We must determine how we can best use our gifts in service of our marriage to the glory of God instead of for our own selfish agenda.
So, biblical submission in every day life is a tall order. But it is also exciting and fulfilling. Consider, how can you honor, affirm, and help carry through your husband’s leadership today?
2011 at 2:33 pm | by Carolyn Mahaney
Some of you might be asking, “I want to be a gospel wife. I agree with what Scripture says about the responsibility of a bride—for other women. But what about my case? Does God really expect me to submit to my husband?”
“My husband is lazy and inconsiderate.”
“My husband spends all his free time watching ESPN.”
“My husband is irresponsible with the finances.”
“My husband never helps with the children.”
“My husband doesn’t lead our family well.”
“My husband isn’t a Christian.”
Not surprisingly, Scripture anticipates that question. While it does not fail to offer hope to women in difficult marriages, 1 Peter 3:1 clearly stipulates that wives are to submit to their husbands “even if some do not obey the word.” Unless a moral issue is at stake, we are obliged by Scripture to submit to our husbands. As Elisabeth Elliot bluntly puts it, God’s Word does not “give us any footnotes.”
Of course, we must never follow our husbands’ leadership into sin. For while their leadership is genuine, it is by no means absolute. Our preeminent authority is God Himself, and a no time should our submission violate any of His expressed commands (Acts 5:29).
And neither do we ignore our husbands’ sin or its potential consequences for our families. We’ll talk more about what a gospel wife’s submission looks like in every day life when we continue our series.
(adapted from Feminine Appeal)
2011 at 2:39 pm | by Carolyn Mahaney
So we see that the submissive wife—far from being the weak-willed woman our culture portrays—is actually a model of inner strength. By God’s grace, she has conquered this opposition within her own heart. It is actually weakness on display when a wife is not submissive; she is only caving in to her natural inclination to usurp authority and demand her own way. That doesn’t take any effort at all.
This truth eventually dawned upon my friend Marianne. When she realized that her adversary was not her husband, Kevin, but the sin in her heart, she began fighting back—by submitting to his leadership. The result was peace and joy for Marianne and a newfound harmony in her relationship with her husband.
Now, some twenty years later, Marianne freely admits that submission is still a struggle at times. However, her thriving marriage testifies of her persistent efforts to resist sin and follow her husband’s leadership.
May the same be said of you and me
(adapted from Feminine Appeal)
2011 at 2:30 pm | by Carolyn Mahaney
The source of our submission trouble is our very own hearts.
Does that surprise you? It surprised my good friend, Marianne, soon after she got married. See if you can relate:
“The whole idea of submission was a real challenge for me. I knew what Scripture said in Titus, Ephesians, and 1 Peter—I just didn’t like those parts very much! You see, I was raised to be very independent. I was strong and self-sufficient. I thought I was capable of taking care of myself and doing a pretty good job of it. I didn’t like being led. I liked leading. This was especially true when it came to my schedule and how I spent money. And because I wanted to make decisions about these things on my own, Kevin and I had some heated conflicts! It made it very difficult for my husband to lead.”
Scripture sheds light on this struggle to submit—for Marianne and for the rest of us. One of the consequences of the Fall for women, it says in Genesis 3:16 is that their “desires shall be for [their] husband[s].”
The form and context of the word desire actually has a negative connotation—an urge to manipulate, control, or have mastery over. Because of the curse, we now have a sinful tendency to want our own way and to resist our husbands’ authority. This evil desire is what poses the greatest opposition to our submission.
That’s why we need the gospel in order to become gospel wives.
(adapted from Feminine Appeal)
2011 at 3:17 pm | by Carolyn Mahaney
“As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” (Eph. 5:22)
“Many are the discussions I’ve heard on this one, almost all of them directed to what it ‘can’t possibly mean,’ rather than to the plain word of the Lord. The statement is simple. Not easy for women like me, but simple, that is, I understand it only too well. (As Mark Twain said, ‘I have far more trouble with the things I do understand in the Bible than things I don’t understand.’)” Elisabeth Elliot
Why do we have trouble with the practice of submission? What is it about this command that can make us bristle? Even though we may accept, as Elisabeth Elliot does, the clarity of Scripture on the issue, we also can agree that submitting to our husbands is not always easy.
Certainly our culture presents us with a formidable challenge. It treats the submissive wife with a noxious mixture of scorn and pity. And it doesn’t help that many in the church are trying to explain away this command, thus cutting off a vital source of our encouragement.
But the real threat to submission comes from a place we may not initially expect. More on the source of our submission troubles tomorrow.
(adapted from Feminine Appeal)
2011 at 7:36 pm | by Carolyn Mahaney
“Marriage was designed by God most deeply, most importantly, to be a parable or a drama of the way Christ loves his church and the way the church loves and follows Christ.” John Piper
Being a bride means—above all—that we imitate THE bride, the church. We are to respect, follow, love, and submit to our husband as the church does to Christ. “As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands (Eph. 5.22).” That’s a pretty tall order, for sure.
We have to admit, though, that our husbands might have the tougher assignment: they are to imitate Christ who “gave himself up for us” (Eph. 5.25). We have to follow, but they have to die! This series is not about the husbands, though. We want to focus on God’s calling for us as wives.
Submission (Eph 5.22) and respect (Eph. 5.33) comprise the primary role of a bride, and that’s who the command is addressed to. Submission was not our husbands’ idea, and neither are they responsible to enforce it. This command is not divine permission for husbands to assert authoritarian leadership. Nowhere in Scripture does it say, ‘Husbands, see to it that your wives submit.’ That’s our job.
The requirement to submit to our husbands comes straight from God to us as wives. And we are answerable to Him for our obedience. We cannot blame our husbands for our lack of submission. The responsibility is entirely ours!
And notice to whom we are to submit. As married women, we are not called to submit to all men (and neither are single women, for that matter), but rather to our husbands. Conversely, we should not seek leadership from other men, apart from our husbands, no matter how worthy they are of honor or respect. We are to follow our husbands.
But as I said, this isn’t always easy. We’ll talk about why, next time. Stay tuned.
(adapted from Feminine Appeal)
2011 at 4:13 pm | by Carolyn Mahaney
The gospel makes it possible for us to be gospel wives. But what does this look like exactly? Over the next few weeks we’re going to talk about who we are called to be:
I am his bride…
I am his lover…
I am his best friend…
I am his equal…
I am his helper…
I am his glory…
We need to be reminded of God’s ideal for marriage, because so often our own ideal gets in the way. We don’t naturally want to be a gospel wife. Our natural drift is toward the selfish ideal of marriage idolized by our culture. And so without realizing it, we can often struggle, strive, long, and even pray for a marriage that fits our selfish, worldly ideal (and usually includes our husband changing big-time!).
If we don’t keep God’s ideal for marriage front and center, we’re going to be headed in the wrong direction. That’s why we must be continually transformed by the renewing of our minds through God’s Word, and we must ask God to give us hearts that long to be gospel wives.
2011 at 2:02 pm | by Nicole Whitacre
“God works in the faithful to restore them to their ‘gospel’ relationship.” Bruce Waltke
Your hopes and dreams for an “ideal marriage” were preceded by the purposes of another. From the beginning of time, God had a purpose for your marriage: to forge a gospel relationship.
“Remember this and stand firm…” God encourages his people, “‘My counsel shall stand and I will accomplish all my purpose’” (Isaiah 46:8-10, emphasis mine). As the ESV Study Bible comments, “The only true God will succeed in his glorious purpose for his stubborn people.”
Marriage is the union of two stubborn sinners. Yet God will succeed in his glorious purpose to restore an ideal gospel relationship.
You may think your problems are too high or your rut too deep. But do you really imagine that the Creator and Restorer of marriage throughout all generations is going to throw in the towel when he gets to you? To put it another way: Do you really think you are the exception to the rule of God’s faithful purposes?
In the days ahead we will talk about how to be a gospel wife. But we must start—and return often—to the truth that our work is effective only because He works. Our faith is possible only because He has redeemed us. Our hope is realistic only because He has promised to accomplish His purposes.
God will succeed in His glorious purpose for marriage. In fact, whether we see it or not, whether it feels like it or not, He is succeeding right now.
2011 at 5:02 pm | by Carolyn Mahaney
“The story about the gift of the bride (Genesis 2:18-23) represents marriage ideally before the Fall, providing… a type of Christ’s relationship to his church (Eph. 5:22-32). This latter represents their relationship by the metaphor of the gospel. As Christ dies for his church, the husband dies for his wife; as the church obeys her Lord in everything, the wife obeys her husband. After the Fall the man and the woman become divided and struggle in their relationship (Gen. 3:16), but God works in the faithful to restore them to their ‘gospel’ relationship.” (Bruce Waltke, Genesis, pp.104-105, emphasis mine)
The story of marriage in the Bible has a happy ending. We, the faithful, are in the middle of it right now. God, whose ideal for marriage was rejected by sinful human beings, sent His only Son to die for us. He bore our sins, died in our place, absorbed God’s wrath, redeemed our lives, and will one day present us faultless before the throne of grace. And He is at work turning sin-shot marriages into gospel relationships.
He works. He restores. He takes divided, struggling, selfish, proud husbands and wives and patiently forges gospel relationships: for His glory and for our good. No matter our difficulty, we have hope because of what God has done and what he is doing. He is even more committed to an ideal marriage than we are.
He works, but we cooperate. We have a part to play. We must “toil” as Paul says, “struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me” (Col. 1:29). By the grace of God we must strive for a gospel relationship. We must seek to become “gospel wives.”
“Being A Gospel Wife” is our new series here at girltalk. Hope you’ll join us!
2011 at 3:37 pm | by Carolyn Mahaney
The first husband and wife, Adam and Eve, had the ideal marriage—for a little while, anyway. But it wasn’t long before sin entered the world (Genesis 3); and almost immediately, the first couple began to have marriage problems. They blamed each other. They argued. They did not love.
Sound familiar? The Fall is a historical event and a present reality in marriage. From that day to now, marriage has been less than ideal, because all marriages for all time have been corrupted by sin.
It is not good.
But the problems in our marriage are bigger than we realize. That’s because the stakes are higher than we think. You see, we don’t just disappoint each other’s expectations, or dash each other’s hopes; we fail to attain God’s glorious ideal of reflecting Christ and His church. And we cannot hope to do so on our own.
But the Bible’s story of marriage doesn’t end here. And neither does yours or mine.
2011 at 3:26 pm | by Nicole Whitacre
Talk about a dramatic opener. The story of marriage in the Bible begins suddenly, unexpectedly. One moment there is a man and animals and a beautiful world and everything is good. And the next moment, God declares: “it is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper fit for him” (Gen. 2:18).
So God created marriage. And it was good. It is good.
Not only is it good, marriage is glorious: a picture of Christ and the church. God created marriage to display His good news, the gospel. Thus Paul’s stunned reaction: “This mystery is profound” (Eph. 5:32).
”[Paul] interprets the original creation of the husband-and-wife union as itself modeled on Christ’s forthcoming union with the church as his ‘body’. Marriage from the beginning of creation was created by God to be a reflection of and patterned after Christ’s relation to the church. Thus Paul’s commands regarding the roles of husbands and wives do not merely reflect the culture of his day but represent God’s ideal for all marriages at all times, as exemplified by the relationship between the bride of Christ (the church) and Christ himself” (ESV Study Bible, emphasis mine).
Did you catch that? Marriage as a picture of the gospel wasn’t an afterthought. It wasn’t a backup plan. It was the purpose for marriage from the beginning. And God’s purpose hasn’t changed. Reflecting the gospel is God’s ideal for all marriages at all times.
It is good. It is glorious. It is for the gospel.
2011 at 3:23 pm | by Carolyn Mahaney
What do you want from your marriage? What would you change if you could?
No doubt something, or many things, come to mind. In one way or another marriage has probably fallen short of your expectations. But we must consider: where does our definition of “the ideal marriage” come from?
Do we get our cues from the culture and its illusive ideal of a mutually satisfying relationship? Do we compare our marriage to our friends’ marriages, to our everlasting disappointment? Or are we myopically focused on our husband’s weaknesses as the cause of our less than ideal marriage?
We need to ask: What does God want from my marriage? What does He want to change? What is His ideal?
Would it surprise you to know that His goal is not for you and your husband to have a “mutually satisfying relationship”, or to have a marriage that’s as good as or better than your friends, or to finally change that husband of yours?
His goal is far greater than that. His agenda far more glorious, far more satisfying.
What does God’s ideal marriage look like?
The answer begins with a story. A long story. A beautiful story. The story of marriage in the Bible.
2011 at 3:46 pm | by Carolyn Mahaney
“Are you in love with your husband? Not, Do you love him? I know you do. He has been around a long time, and you’re used to him. He is the father of your children. But are you in love with him? How long has it been since your heart really squeezed when you looked at him?...Why is it you have forgotten the things that attracted you to him at first?...Your husband needs to be told that you love him, that he is attractive to you. By the grace of God, I want you to start changing your thought pattern. Tomorrow morning, get your eyes off the toaster or the baby bottles long enough to LOOK at him. Don’t you see the way his coat fits his shoulders? Look at his hands. Do you remember when just to look at his strong hands made your heart lift? Well, LOOK at him and remember. Then loose your tongue and tell him you love him. Will you ask the Lord to give you a sentimental, romantic, physical, in-love kind of love for your husband? He will do this.” ~Shirley Rice
2011 at 3:51 pm | by Kristin Chesemore
The other day, my three boys tramped downstairs to the kitchen. They were arguing.
“He took my quarters!” my seven-year-old pointed to his brother.
“No, Mom, I brought these quarters home from Mom-Mom’s house!” the accused brother defended himself.
As I tried to get the story from them, one…at…a…time, the words of blame kept flowing, with frequent interruptions and scowls.
My temptation in these moments? I want to bring swift resolution through my commands and directives: “Boy #1 is wrong. Boy #2 is right. Case closed.” I want peace for myself more than I want to teach my children God’s Word.
But my words—although very important!—are not sufficient. My children need to hear God’s Words. They need Scripture, which is “profitable for teaching, correcting, and training in righteousness” (2 Tim. 3:16). They need God’s promises and commands sown like seed into their little hearts. They need the words from God’s mouth, which never return empty (Is. 55:11).
So we return to the most often quoted verse in the Chesemore home—Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
“Is corrupting talk coming out of your mouths?” I ask my boys. “What words would give grace to your brother?”
And surprise, surprise—Scripture serves me too. I need the life-giving words of Scripture as much as my sons. I too need the encouragement and correction of Ephesians 4:29.
This is one reason why I must sit and listen to Jesus’ teaching every day. So that I—and my boys—can profit from His Words.
—from the archives
2011 at 3:41 pm | by Nicole Whitacre
Biblical Womanhood Fear Marriage
We pick up our series on fear with the second half of Dr. Martyn Lloyd Jones’ counsel. We must not listen to ourselves, but we must also fill that space by speaking to ourselves.
Dr. Lloyd Jones explains:
“Our fears are due to our failure to stir up—failure to think, failure to take ourselves in hand. You find yourself looking to the future and then you begin to imagine things and you say: ‘I wonder what is going to happen?’ And then, your imagination runs away with you. You are gripped by the thing…this thing overwhelms you and down you go. Now the first thing you have to do is to take a firm grip of yourself, to pull yourself up, to stir up yourself, to take yourself in hand and to speak to yourself.”
“Talk to yourself out loud, if you have to” a pastor once advised me in the midst of one of my particularly intense battles with fear. So if you ever catch me muttering to myself, you’ll know why.
And what exactly should we say to ourselves?
“Faith reminds itself of what the Scripture calls ‘the exceeding great and precious promises’ says Lloyd Jones. “Faith says: ‘I cannot believe that He who has brought me so far is going to let me down at this point. It is impossible, it would be inconsistent with the character of God.’ So faith, having refused to be controlled by circumstances [or feelings!], reminds itself of what it believes and what it knows.”
Tell your soul—out loud if you have to—what it believes and what it knows.