Purity

Q&A: Guy Friends

Q. I am 18 years old and would like to know how to be "just friends" with the guys in our church, but don't know how. Can you give me any advice?

A. It wasn't so long ago now that I was navigating my way through the teen years and into early adulthood. One issue always lurking in the shadows was "friendships with guys."  How do these relationships look different from those with my girlfriends?   How much time do I spend with them?  Is it okay to hang out one on one or talk on the phone?

I always wished for a simple set of rules--just a little list of “do's and dont’s” that I could carry around in my pocket.  These rules would guarantee me success, and I would no longer have to worry about that little conscience of mine.  However, I learned early on that this one was a wisdom issue, and that Scripture was the primary source for that wisdom.

In 1 Timothy 5:1-2, Paul tells Timothy that he should, “Treat…younger women like sisters, in all purity.” Now if the guys are going to treat us as “sisters in all purity,” then we in turn must act like sisters, in purity! Here in this verse is the wisdom we so desperately need. We must ask ourselves—do I treat my guy friends as I would my own brother? Am I walking in absolute purity toward all young men?

For myself, I realized that my heart often had many competing motives at work in my relationships with guys. Instead of thinking and acting like a sister, I sometimes found myself wanting the attention of a particular guy. I also wanted other girls to think I had a sufficient number of guys that called me “friend.” Often times, the motives behind my relationships with guys were not God-honoring.

That is why it was so helpful that my mom and I kept a running dialogue on this issue. We didn’t have some kind of formal debriefing once a week, but talking about my guy friends was a regular part of our lives.  These conversations were most critical for me in the accountability that they provided and the counsel that my mom brought.   For those of you who may not have a godly mom, I would encourage you to have these types of conversations with another older, wiser, woman in your church.  As Mom said last week, we aren’t called to live the Christian life alone. We need the help, encouragement, and counsel of others.

I also quickly learned that my friendships with guys needed to look quite different than my friendships with girls.  I recall a conversation that I once had with my singles pastor.  He told me, "Janelle, guys read into things just as much as girls do.  When a girl shows consistent attention to one guy, it can cultivate affection in that guy’s heart."  While I may have been considering my guy friends as brothers, they may have been thinking that there was something more.  I remember my mom telling me to relate to all guys as "another woman's husband."  I found this little phrase to be a very helpful heart-check in relating to my guy friends.

All of this said, friendships with guys are not wrong.  In fact I would argue that friendships with godly young men during these years are a gift from the Lord and something to be enjoyed.  Paul is obviously assuming that Timothy will relate to other young women in the church, but he makes clear what those relationships ought to look like.

As one of three girls (until my favoritist little brother arrived on the scene 12 yrs. after me) I'm very grateful for the guys that were my "brothers" during those years. If we pursue the biblical principles of purity and brotherly love, we can be free to enjoy godly friendships with godly guys as blessings from our heavenly Father.

--from the archives

Joshua Harris Answers a Question

(Hey, Nicole here. No, we didn't play hookie today. Our webhosting service was down most of the day, until just a couple of minutes ago. I'm putting up this post for Mom because, of course, she went to bed a long time ago. In fact, she should be waking up before long! I, on the other hand, drank too much Cherry Coke at dinner and can't go to sleep. So I'm awake to put this post up for you night owls and our international friends. Lord willing, we'll see you again tomorrow!)

Also this past Sunday, our senior pastor, Joshua Harris preached a powerful message entitled, “What it Costs to Follow Christ,” derived from Luke 14:25-35. At one point during his sermon, he addressed a question he commonly receives: “Is my relationship with this non-Christian guy OK?” We’ve been asked this question as well, so we have transcribed his wise answer for you here:

“Because of the topics that I’ve taught on in the past and the books that I’ve written, there have been so many occasions when I have encountered young men and women who are in a relationship with a person that is not a believer in Jesus Christ. And this seems to be in particular young women who will come, and they’ll talk about their desire to live for Jesus and to give their life to Him. But there’s this guy in the picture. And there is a relationship that has been formed, and there are affections, and there is a growing love for this person. But this person is going in the opposite direction from their Savior. And they’re often confused, and they’re often distraught and they often don’t know what to do. And when you quote the passage about not being ‘unequally yoked’--this kind of picture from agriculture and cows and stuff, just really isn’t doing anything for them. ‘Yoke. Cows. What? He’s so cute--what does that have to do with a cow, you know?’ And they’ll often have a desire to try to care for this guy. They don’t want to hurt his feelings. They think they can reach him with the gospel, and they’ll just stay in this relationship.”

“And what I say each and every time is: ‘You’re facing a choice. If you are truly a follower of Jesus Christ, then you must choose Jesus and you must turn your back on that guy. In fact, if you have a desire for him to see the reality of Jesus Christ, the most loving thing that you can do is show him that you are more committed to Jesus than you are to him. If you want to show that guy that God is real, then obey the God who is real and choose Him over this relationship –with a person that doesn’t know Him, doesn’t follow Him, doesn’t obey Him. Those are hard words, but those are the words of Jesus.’”

Whether you are a new believer or a seasoned Christian, I would encourage you to listen to Josh's whole sermon. You will experience fresh encouragement and provocation as you follow Christ.

Q&A - Guy Friends

Q. I am 18 years old and would like to know how to be "just friends" with the guys in our church, but don't know how. Can you give me any advice?

A. It wasn't so long ago now that I was navigating my way through the teen years and into early adulthood. One issue always lurking in the shadows was "friendships with guys."  How do these relationships look different from those with my girlfriends?   How much time do I spend with them?  Is it okay to hang out one on one or talk on the phone?

I always wished for a simple set of rules--just a little list of “do's and dont’s” that I could carry around in my pocket.  These rules would guarantee me success, and I would no longer have to worry about that little conscience of mine.  However, I learned early on that this one was a wisdom issue, and that Scripture was the primary source for that wisdom.

In 1 Timothy 5:1-2, Paul tells Timothy that he should, “Treat…younger women like sisters, in all purity.” Now if the guys are going to treat us as “sisters in all purity,” then we in turn must act like sisters, in purity! Here in this verse is the wisdom we so desperately need. We must ask ourselves—do I treat my guy friends as I would my own brother? Am I walking in absolute purity toward all young men?

For myself, I realized that my heart often had many competing motives at work in my relationships with guys. Instead of thinking and acting like a sister, I sometimes found myself wanting the attention of a particular guy. I also wanted other girls to think I had a sufficient number of guys that called me “friend.” Often times, the motives behind my relationships with guys were not God-honoring.

That is why it was so helpful that my mom and I kept a running dialogue on this issue. We didn’t have some kind of formal debriefing once a week, but talking about my guy friends was a regular part of our lives.  These conversations were most critical for me in the accountability that they provided and the counsel that my mom brought.  For those of you who may not have a godly mom, I would encourage you to have these types of conversations with another older, wiser, woman in your church.  As Mom said last week, we aren’t called to live the Christian life alone. We need the help, encouragement, and counsel of others. 

I also quickly learned that my friendships with guys needed to look quite different than my friendships with girls.  I recall a conversation that I once had with my singles pastor.  He told me, "Janelle, guys read into things just as much as girls do.  When a girl shows consistent attention to one guy, it can cultivate affection in that guy’s heart."  While I may have been considering my guy friends as brothers, they may have been thinking that there was something more.  I remember my mom telling me to relate to all guys as "another woman's husband."  I found this little phrase to be a very helpful heart-check in relating to my guy friends.

All of this said, friendships with guys are not wrong.  In fact I would argue that friendships with godly young men during these years are a gift from the Lord and something to be enjoyed.  Paul is obviously assuming that Timothy will relate to other young women in the church, but he makes clear what those relationships ought to look like.

As one of three girls (until my favoritist little brother arrived on the scene 12 yrs. after me) I'm very grateful for the guys that were my "brothers" during those years. If we pursue the biblical principles of purity and brotherly love, we can be free to enjoy godly friendships with godly guys as blessings from our heavenly Father.

Q&A - Do Not Awaken Love

A mother wrote to us with the following question:

"I have a 15 year old daughter who is a young woman trying to live by biblical principles. Do you have some advice for us regarding this stage of her life where she is very aware of young men and noticing their biblical qualities and character but also being in the season of still growing up, maturing, finishing school... that season of 'marriage is in the future'?  How can we help her guard her heart?  Keep her emotions in check?"

As my mom always reminded my sisters and me: liking boys is normal! God made us to be attracted to the opposite sex. And as a young girl grows into womanhood, these desires will certainly become more pronounced.

And how wonderful that your daughter is attracted to godly character in young men and not simply enamored with outward appearance or personality. That is a sign that she has been trained by her parents to discern what is truly admirable in a man.

However, we also have the poetic and yet solemn warning from the Song of Solomon: "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" (S of S 3:5, NIV), followed by the holy assumption in 1 Corinthians 7 that "the unmarried...woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit" (1 Cor. 7:34).

In the teenage years, the fact that God has created us as women to be attracted to men, and the biblical admonition to guard our hearts until the appropriate time, must remain in constant, healthy, tension. And your daughter will need your help to do this!

For starters, my mom initiated an ongoing conversation with my sisters and me about guys; consistently asking who we were attracted to and why. "Being attracted isn't a sin," she told us. "But indulging in thoughts about them, going out of your way to be around them, allowing them to distract from your pursuit of God and service of others is wrong."

Purity was to be our constant pursuit; for Scripture exhorts us to "flee youthful passions" (2 Tim. 2:22). Through constant conversations about our hearts, helping us to avoid situations that would tempt us to impure thought or deed, and a steady diet of God's Word on this topic, Mom and Dad were our greatest help in our quest for purity.

However, it wasn't only about "fleeing passions." Mom helped us to see that in addition to fighting for purity we must also be busy pursuing the things of God. Sitting around trying not to think about a guy will only have limited effectiveness; but a young girl who is busy serving Christ won't have much time left to indulge her emotions. So let me encourage you to help your daughter find ways she can use her spiritual gifts, serving in the home and in the church.

Finally, until a young man had expressed an interest in us, Mom helped keep our feet firmly planted on the ground: "Think of him as someone else's husband," she would say. "You wouldn't consider it appropriate to daydream or fantasize about a married man. And most likely, this guy you like will be married to another woman someday. Assume he is not going to be your husband unless he makes his intentions known." And for your fifteen year old daughter, that time will probably be some years away.

There is so much more that could be said on this topic. I've barely even started, and this is already a long post.  We cover purity and courtship in some detail in our book, Girl Talk. But in case you haven't heard of them, I want to highly recommend Joshua Harris' three books: I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Boy Meets Girl, and Not Even a Hint.

I pray these few thoughts, but more importantly, these helpful resources, will serve you in helping your daughter walk the path of purity throughout her teenage years!