Singleness

Power in the Echo

“Sisters, all the advice from Vogue, Glamour, and Cosmopolitan that talks about going after and getting your man, all the blather about how in this day and age it is just as acceptable for you to initiate as for him, is just that—blather. Be confident and trust your feelings on this matter. Be confident that if he is the man you hope and wish him to be, he will play the man. You crackle the leaves a bit when he is in the area and let him know you are there. Then wait for him to initiate, or not. In the long run, you will be well served either way.” Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart, page 94

In his newly converted, youthful zeal, my dad, and a group of his friends decided that God had called them to remain single. Dad was uninterested in the efforts of women to attract his attention. Put off by their forward manner, it was easy to think that God wasn’t leading him to get married.

Until he met my mom.

When he walked into the canteen at the Christian retreat center where Mom was working for the week, she didn’t try to catch his eye. Instead, she told him the canteen was closed. After pleading for a hot dog (because he had been serving and preaching all day and was tired and hungry) she finally relented. But to this day, Dad claims the hot dog was as cold as her demeanor. (She disputes this accusation, of course!)

My dad, who only a day before thought he would remain single, was suddenly smitten. Something in him—something that wanted to initiate, pursue, and win a woman’s heart—was awakened. So he asked my mom to take a walk. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Mom used to remind my sisters and me of this story when we were tempted to try to get some guy’s attention. Allow a man to win your heart, she would say. And if he doesn’t want to, then why would you want him?

God created men to initiate and he created women to respond. Or, as John Ensor also puts it, “His power is in the exclamation [of love]. Yours is in the echo.” When we remember this, things will work right in matters of the heart.

--from the archives

Q&A - Disappointed Hope

Q. “I am curious what you ladies might have to say on the topic of dealing with the grief that comes from the ending of a relationship, particularly when a woman believed it would end in marriage.”

A. This question immediately brought back memories of a similar season that I experienced in my relationship with Mike.  Although the Lord ultimately planned marriage for us, there was a period of time when it appeared our relationship was over for good. And while I realize that not all stories have the same ending, the issues God was after in my heart are the same for all of us—whether or not we eventually get married, and regardless of the nature of our disappointed hope.

When Mike and I ended our relationship, it was after many months of mutual feelings, and much time spent pursuing marriage.  Before the decision to call things off, we would both have been pretty confident marriage to each other was in our future (Read the long version of our story here.) So, upon ending our relationship, I was immediately faced with the temptation to despair.  What was God doing?  Why was I so confused?  I thought Mike was the one! The tears were many, just ask my mom.

This decision marked the beginning of one of the biggest battles I had yet to face in my walk with the Lord. The fight for FAITH.  Did I really believe what I had been taught from Scripture about God’s sovereignty? Did I trust God that He had a perfect plan for my life? Was I confident that He would reveal His will to me, in His good time? Could I be happy if His plan didn’t include marriage? I’m sorry to say that my answer to many of these questions was often a resounding “no.”  I thought that my ideas and plans were best.  If only the Lord would speak more clearly. If only He would do it this way--MY way.

How grateful I am for the mercy of God upon my life during this struggle. Through the leadership of my parents, I began to press into God’s Word in a most intense way.  I spent hours studying “faith” and “sovereignty” in the Bible, and talking through the issues of sin in my heart with others.  The book Is God Really in Control? (previously entitled Trusting God) by Jerry Bridges became a faithful friend to me.  I read this book over and over again. Quotes like these fed my soul...

"God in His infinite wisdom knows exactly what adversity we need to grow more and more into the likeness of His Son.  He not only knows what we need but when we need it and how best to bring it to pass in our lives.  He is the perfect teacher or coach.  His discipline is always exactly suited for our needs.  He never over trains us by allowing too much adversity in our lives.”  Page 122

“If we are to experience peace in our souls in times of adversity, we must come to the place where we truly believe that God’s ways are simply beyond us and stop asking Him “why” or even trying to determine it ourselves.  This may seem like an intellectual “cop out,” a refusal to deal with the really tough issues of life.  In fact, it is just the opposite.  It is a surrender to the truth about God and our circumstances as it is revealed to us by God Himself in His inspired Word.”  Page 126-7

Slowly, I cannot tell you exactly when, my heart began to change.  I still didn’t know if marriage was in my future, but my heart was at peace in the sovereignty of my good and loving Father.  I wanted His perfect plan to be fulfilled in my life.

If you find yourself in a similar situation today (and this fight for faith is certainly not limited to the arena of marriage), I would encourage you to take drastic action.  Renew your mind with the consistent study of God’s Word. Purchase Jerry Bridges' book and pursue the counsel and help of a pastor and godly friends. Grace awaits you!

“The heart of man plans his way but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

--from the archives

Carolyn McCulley on Focus on the Family

For the past three days, our friend Carolyn McCulley has been on Focus on the Family. She’s been talking with Dr. James Dobson and Candice Watters on the topic of “Singleness: Living with a Hope Deferred.”

Please take time to listen to these broadcasts—no matter what your season of life. As Carolyn’s friend I have been encouraged and inspired by her teaching and example. And these broadcasts are Carolyn at her best—speaking out of a life of passionate service to the church and tenacious trust in our gracious God.

Here are some behind the scenes thoughts from her blog:

What's most important to me is if you encounter a great and glorious God when you listen to my experience. Because that's been what I've gleaned in these years: His faithfulness is what I have to reassure anyone who is panicking that they might end up in a similar position.

As Dr. Grudem said on Sunday morning at my church, he doesn't know anyone over 50 who has not had a significant trial or affliction. If you live long enough, you will encounter difficulty because it's what happens in a fallen world. But this is not the end of the story. Not only will we experience God's redemptive activity in this life, we have the promise of sin-free, pain-free life everlasting with Him in eternity. So if I am called by God to glorify Him as a single woman, even though I desire marriage, I know He is not wasting that desire or my small sacrifice in the years I have lived in that tension. He is weaving that into His plan to rescue, redeem, and reclaim His children.

And that's my confidence in extended singleness.

Dr. Dobson calls Carolyn “a very impressive woman,” and we agree.

Devoted to Good Works

Now we come to our final “best deal” of the single season. 

And we find it in 1 Timothy 5:9-10.

This verse explains which widows are eligible to receive help and care from the church if they have no other means of support. But its application is for all of us, because it is a description of the life and character of a godly woman.

I want you to take a look at the final phrase—“has devoted herself to every good work”—At first glance, it may appear to be a little vague. Kinda like what happens when I can’t come up with a concluding sentence for one of my posts, so I just tack on something nice-sounding but essentially meaningless.

Not the case here!  There is nothing vague about this concluding remark. Paul is making a very clear point. In case we got the idea that we could check off one of each of these good works and qualify as a godly woman, Paul raises the stakes considerably. He says the godly woman is devoted to good works. As one commentary describes it, she is “energetically and diligently giving herself” to this stuff. I can imagine this woman constantly looking and listening, ready to serve upon discovery of the slightest need.

Do you remember the t-shirt that was popular a few years back with the slogan that read, “Tennis (or Basketball or Fishing) is Life. Everything else is just details”? Well, here Paul is saying that the godly woman’s outlook is: “Devotion to Good Works is Life. Everything else is just details.”

Bringing up children, showing hospitality, caring for the afflicted—these aren’t things the godly woman does one time, like a community service requirement. Good works are what she is giving her life, energy, time, and heart to. Good works are what she is all about.

But there is one other word that makes this phrase even more powerful. Yep, it’s that little word “every.”  “Every” quite simply means “every.” It doesn’t mean “some” or “most,” but every. The godly woman doesn’t limit herself to good works that are easy, or get her the most attention, or are her top favorites. She practices good works of all kinds. And we can safely assume that they aren’t all pleasant.

Not such a vague phrase after all, huh?

I think John Wesley’s well-known quote expands nicely on what Paul is saying here:

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as you can.”

Cause everything else? It’s just details.

“Study to Show Yourself a SAHM”

One mom of young kids has some advice for single women. Heather Koerner wants to tell you what she’d tell her single self, if she had the chance.

In “Study to Show Yourself a SAHM” [SAHM=Stay At Home Mom] she describes her unexpectedly rough entry into her new role as full-time wife, mother, and homemaker:

Heather echoes what most new moms think and feel (including us!): This is so hard! Why can’t I handle this? But that’s when Heather had her epiphany:

If being a full-time wife, mother, and homemaker is a job God may call you to some day, and if the stakes are high (because they are), and if the challenges are steep (because they are), isn’t it a career worth preparing for?

Read Heather’s article for some great advice on how to embark on a course of study for what could be the career of a lifetime.

Prepare for an Important Career

Just to recap, the best deals of the single life we’ve looked at so far:

Pursue Undivided Devotion
Become a Theologian
Help the Men
Choose Friends Carefully
Nurture Children

Our sixth suggestion for how to best use your years as a single: Prepare to be a wife and mother.

Now I realize that not every woman will get married and have children; but truth is, most women will be wives and mothers someday. And for the majority of you who get married and raise children, you will spend a considerable portion of your lives in the homemaking profession—from twenty or thirty to upwards of fifty years or more. That’s no small amount of time!

And the commands in Scripture to love, follow and help a husband, to raise children for the glory of God, and to manage a home from which the gospel goes forth encompass a vast responsibility. The role of wife and mother requires an extremely diverse array of skills—everything from management abilities to knowledge of health and nutrition, to interior decorating capabilities, to childhood development expertise. If you are to be effective in this role, then you must study these subjects and many more.

A career as a wife and mother demands considerable expertise, may encompass decades of your life, and has the potential to spread the gospel to your family, church, community, and future generations. Now that’s worth preparing for, wouldn’t you say?

A Tale of Three Women

In response to Mom's post on Thursday, Caroline sent us a wonderful email about three generations of single women nurturing children:

Nurturing Children

In the past week, we’ve considered the single woman’s relationships to men and what kind of friends she should pursue. But there’s one more relationship that it is a great deal in the single season: children. 

You can express your femininity by nurturing children. In Genesis 1, we see that male and female were created to be fruitful and multiply. As women we are created to be life-bearers. Our bodies have been designed with the ability to mother—to receive, to carry and bear children, to breast feed. Our body prepares itself repeatedly to conceive and bear young.

So, how does a single woman enter into the meaning of motherhood if she doesn’t have children of her own? How does she express her femininity as life-bearer, as nurturer?

Elisabeth Elliot answered this question: 

 Single women, you can express your femininity in this season of your life by nurturing other people’s children.

When you babysit, you are giving expression to your femininity. When you take an interest and reach out to children in your sphere of relationships, you are displaying your God-given gift of femininity. 

And may I say “thank you” on behalf of all of us mothers! Thank you for the way you nurture our children. Thank you for the countless times you have served us through babysitting. Thank you for the way you have loved our children as if they were your very own. It means so much to us!

However, you are doing more than just blessing us, you are honoring God by giving expression to the nurturing aspect of your femininity

Friends Who Need Salvation

Today we conclude our discussion on friendships for the single woman by taking a look at Colossians 4:5-6. This verse tells us to, “Walk in wisdom towards outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”

One application from this verse is our conduct with unbelievers. Obviously, in writing this verse Paul assumes that we have contact with those outside the faith. So if all of your friends have grown up in a Christian home or been a Christian for twenty years, you’re missing someone--friends who need salvation.

Often it can be so easy for us as women to get consumed by our school or work and we neglect the priority of evangelism. It’s like we walk around campus, through the office cubicles, in and out of the store, and across the street with our head down and blinders on. But we are supposed to be reaching out and having gracious, gospel-motivated conversations with non-Christians. You don’t know any? They are not that hard to find. Maybe all you have to do is look up!

So, we've considered:

Friends who sharpen
Friends who mentor.
Friends who need a friend.
Friends who need salvation.

May all these friends be found in your network of relationships. When we choose friends according to God’s criteria, much blessing will result

Choosing Friends

For the single woman, friends are one of the best deals of your season. As it says in Proverbs 12:26, “The righteous should choose his friends carefully” (NKJV). Yesterday we considered friends who sharpen and spur us on to godliness.  Today we want to look at two more friends that Scripture exhorts us to pursue.

First we should pursue friends that mentor. Titus 2:3-5 commands the older women to be training the younger women. We should all be aggressively seeking out other women to help us grow in the admirable qualities of biblical femininity. And if you are that older woman, I want to encourage you to consider passing on your experience and wisdom to those behind you. We need it! So, stop a moment and consider your friends. Young women, we should ask ourselves: “Do I have a friend from whom I am learning some aspect of biblical womanhood?” And older women, ask this question: “Am I faithfully imparting biblical womanhood to at least one friend?”

And secondly, let’s look for friends who need friends. It’s so easy, isn’t it, to get comfortable with our close friends? While longtime friends are a huge blessing from the Lord, we are also called to reach out to the new person and the lonely. “Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers,” exhorts Hebrews 13:1-2. Remember what it was like to be new or not know anyone? To see other women chatting excitedly and to have no one to talk to? To choose our friends carefully means we must guard against selfishness and laziness. So let’s take a look around us: “Who is one woman I should reach out to?” It can be as simple as introducing ourselves to a visitor at church, or inviting a quiet woman out for coffee, or including someone new at our weekly lunch with friends. May we all commit to helping new friends not feel new for very long.

Let’s not miss out on these two great friendship opportunities. Somehow I think we may all be surprised to find that we are the ones that end up with the good end of the deal.

Friends Who Sharpen

How about our friendships? In addition to family, who are we to pursue? Proverbs 12:26 tells us that: “The righteous should choose his friends carefully” (NKJV). What does that mean? A brief look at Scripture gives us a good grid whereby we can evaluate our friendships. It tells us exactly what kind of friends we are to have.

First, we should have friends that “sharpen.” Our idea of a best friend might be someone who’s easy to get along with, shares our opinions on fashion and food, finishes our sentences, sticks by us in the rough times, and is free to hang out on a Friday night. All plus-points of course (especially the food part) but Scripture says there’s a friend quality of much greater value. A friend we can’t afford to do without. The best of friends, according to Proverbs 27:17, is one who sharpens us as “iron sharpens iron” (NKJV). Hebrews 10:24 tells us that this friend is one who “[stirs us] up…to love and good works.” We need to have at least one-and preferably many-friends who inspire us to serve, provoke us to love, help us to grow in godliness, correct us, strengthen our faith, and spur us on to passion for the Savior.

Got any friends like this? Maybe you simply need to take a current relationship in a new direction. Invite your friends to point out your sin, encourage you in the gospel, and stir you up to love and good deeds. Ask them to become friends that sharpen.

But maybe, as we assess the spiritual maturity of our friends, we realize that we need to add some godly friends. This may require a step or two outside the old comfort zone. But even if it’s a little awkward at first, we need to initiate friendships with people we’re confident will sharpen us.

Tomorrow, we’ll look at more great friendship deals of the single season.

Help the Men

Femininity is not a wedding gift; it's how we were created. Equal in worth and dignity to men, we nevertheless have different, divinely appointed roles. When God made Eve, He assigned her, and every woman after her, the honorable task of helper (Gen. 1:27, 2:18).

Carolyn McCulley explains the implications for single women:

When we consider the best deals of the single season, “helper” is near the top of the list. How can you make these “faint echoes” discernible in your life and more specifically, in your relationships with men?

Of course that’s a big subject—way too big to cover in this little post. But let me make one simple suggestion: you can help by encouraging godly men to lead. You can display your femininity by making room for godly men to practice servant leadership.

Now, this doesn’t mean you should follow the leadership of any and every man. And of course you must never allow a man to lead you into sin or lead you away from God’s priorities for your life.

But where possible, in your relationships with godly men in the church and in your life, do what you can to encourage them to take the initiative. 

Granted, this is not always easy.  And I am not promising you that all men will automatically lead in response to your encouragement. What matters is that you are cultivating the habit of making room for the leadership of men in your life.

The Lord has put certain men in your life—fathers, bosses, friends—and they need to know that you incline toward following their godly leadership instead of resisting it.

For example, if you have a big decision to make—seek out your father or your pastor or your small group leader’s counsel. Don’t independently assume you can do without wise leadership. Rather, give these godly men an opportunity to lead.

In your small group or with friends, don’t always be the one to initiate activities and plan events. Carolyn McCulley suggests pitching your idea to one of the guys in your group of friends Ask him to lead, but then offer your assistance in any way you can.

And whenever you observe a godly man step up to lead a group activity, voice your appreciation and display a willingness to follow. Even if their leadership is not perfectly executed (and it probably won’t be!), your encouragement will spur them on fulfill their God-given role.

Relationship Priorities

It’s time to take a look at the second great deal of the single season: Relationships.

Women are, for the most part, relational creatures. Our world is often centered on family and friends. Yet, we are often more passive and receptive than we are intentional and purposeful in our relationships. We may allow people to drift in and out of our lives. We don’t usually slow down to consider why we pursue certain friendships or neglect others. Emotions and feelings often dictate the way we go about our relationships.

If people are so important and consume such a big chunk of our time, then we must stop and prayerfully consider our relational priorities in light of God’s priorities. Do our relationships—the time we spend with others—bring glory to God? Are we investing our lives in the people God has called us to love and serve?

Tomorrow we’ll consider the question: “How does the single woman display her God-given femininity in her relationships with men?”

School of the Word

At one time or another, we’ve all been students—driven to absorb knowledge by the beneficent shadow of our next exam.  Minus this external pressure, though, our learning often slows to a trickle.

But our student-mindset shouldn’t end with the diploma or degree. We should be lifelong students—first and foremost of God’s Word.

As I said yesterday, the single season is one of the most valuable times of your life to pursue study of doctrine. But we don’t drift into God’s Word naturally. Beneficial study of doctrine will only become a reality if we have a plan and when necessary, some accountability.

There is no one-size-fits-all plan. Let me encourage you to begin by asking your pastor for advice. I assure you that he will be eager to help here! Tell him you want to more intentionally study God’s Word and ask him to recommend a plan for you. This may include Bible commentaries, books on theology or the Christian Life. For starters, you can see a list of must-reads CJ gave me a while ago. Some seminaries even offer courses to help you study God’s Word.

Next, carve out some time—in addition to your daily devotions—for study. Maybe this is a Saturday morning when you’re fresh, or a great Sabbath activity. But if you don’t put it on the schedule, many other options will compete successfully for your attention.

Finally, ask a friend to be your “professor.” Maybe you turn in a paper to them, summarizing what you’ve learned, or maybe they just check in to see how you’re progressing. 

To become a theologian you must retain your student-mindset, all life long.

Use This Time

Every Christian is a theologian; but as a single woman you have a unique opportunity to study doctrine. I don’t want you to miss it.

May I give you some motherly (or sisterly) advice?

I sit here today as a fifty-three year old wife and mother of four. My youngest son is in high school and for the first time in over thirty years, more and more of my time is “my own.” For the past three decades I have had very little discretionary time—and when my children were little, almost none at all. While I still made studying doctrine a priority, the reality is that my time was severely limited.

As a single woman you are probably very busy. You may be in school, have a job, serve in the church, maintain relationships, care for family…whew! I’m tired just thinking about your hectic life.

But whether you feel like it or not, you have a distinct advantage over the mom with small children: your time is your own. Despite the many, legitimate, demands on your life, you have great freedom to choose how you spend your time.

Please don’t waste a moment of this precious and limited season. Be a student of God’s Word. Study eagerly, study deliberately, study faithfully.

When you dedicate your time to growing in your knowledge of God, you’ll make deposits into your future life that will yield blessing upon blessing.