girltalk Blog

Target the Heart In Time

Targeting our children’s hearts is a very important goal in gospel-centered parenting. Ultimately, I want my children to understand that their hearts are sinful and that they need a Savior. I also want to help my children discern the motives of their hearts—why they do what they do.

To this end, my husband and I provide regular instruction about the true state of their souls before a holy God. We also seek to teach them, primarily in more structured family times, about how sin works. Recently my husband, gave them a little Lying 101 lesson over breakfast: “We often lie because we want to look good, make others look bad, or stay out of trouble” he explained.

And in order to shepherd our children’s hearts, we watch them closely. We seek to discover and discern what motivates them, what makes them tick, what are their characteristic temptations and tendencies so we can parent them wisely.

But targeting the heart looks different, depending on the age and maturity each individual child. With our sons, Jack and Jude, who are 9 and 8 respectively, we are just beginning to spend more time talking about their hearts when they disobey or when an opportunity arises.

With our daughters Tori and Sophie (5 and 3) however, I don’t often spend a ton of time dialoguing and discussing their heart in moments of disobedience. Mostly that’s because when a fight breaks out and one of them is involved, there is lots of crying and wailing and I could ask penetrating questions about heart issues, but nobody would hear me.

But I also don’t expect them to always grasp “heart issues” at this young age. After all, as Jeremiah tells us, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” I’m in my thirties and I still don’t always know why I do certain things! I can hardly expect my three-year-old to have it figured out by now.

A good long chat about heart issues may be wise parenting for a teenager or an older child, but what a three-year-old needs is consistent training and discipline. First they need to learn to obey. Heart issues, those will come in time.

So don’t become discouraged if your toddler doesn’t understand why he grabbed the toy or your five-year-old still doesn’t “obey from the heart.” This doesn’t mean you are failing as a mom. As long as you are lovingly and consistently training your little ones to obey and respect parental authority, you are fulfilling God’s commands.

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Our Morning “Briefing”

One of my favorite parts of our morning routine is when CJ and I grab our coffee and sit for ten minutes on our tiny enclosed patio, listening to Albert Mohler’s podcast “The Briefing.” Each morning, Dr. Mohler provides biblical commentary on the latest news in politics and culture. I don’t know of another commentator who daily offers such an insightful, prescient, theological perspective on current events. The Briefing is informative and enlightening and equips me to think, pray about, and talk to others—especially non-Christians—about current events in a winsome and biblical manner. If I had teenagers at home The Briefing would be a mandatory part of their day—although Dr. Mohler is so engaging and interesting I doubt I would need to require it! Today Dr. Mohler provided 7 suggestions for watching the Presidential Debate, and I look forward to catching his program tomorrow to benefit from his biblical analysis.

Here at girltalk we are always excited to pass along great resources, and this is one of the best. I hope all the girltalk readers and their families will make The Briefing a part of their morning routine.

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Grace Abounding to a Mom

We thought we'd close out this week with encouragement from God's Word for all moms to meditate on:

The children of your servants shall dwell secure; their offspring shall be established before you. Psalm 102:28

Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who greatly delights in his commandments! His offspring will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed. Psalm 112:1-2

Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Psalm 128:1-3 ?

For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants. ? Isaiah 44:3 ?

“For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you. “O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted, behold… All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children. In righteousness you shall be established; you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; and from terror, for it shall not come near you…. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.” Isaiah 54:10-14; 17 ?

“This is my covenant with them,” says the Lord: “My Spirit that is upon you, and my words that I have put in your mouth, shall not depart out of your mouth, or out of the mouth of your offspring, or out of the mouth of your children's offspring,” says the Lord, “from this time forth and forevermore.” Isaiah 59:21 ?

“Believer, here is encouragement. Are you praying for some beloved one? Oh, do not give up praying, for Christ is “mighty to save.” You are powerless to reclaim the rebel, but your Lord is Almighty…. The best proof of which lies in the fact that He has saved you.” Charles Spurgeon (January 14 Morning and Evening)

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Grace Abounding to a Teenager

At the Sovereign Grace Pastors Conference last week we received exceptional teaching from God’s Word. As a mom, I was particularly encouraged by Jared Mellinger’s sermon on Psalm 78. In 2008, Jared succeeded Dave Harvey as the senior pastor of Covenant Fellowship Church, but as a teenager he slept through his father’s sermons and openly rebelled against his parents. God’s grace pursued this rebellious young man and he told a little of his story in his conference message.

In light of this week’s topic, we thought all mothers would be encouraged to hear the long version of Jared’s testimony, which he shared with his church last year. It was Jared’s hope, and it’s ours as well, that his story would inspire, “increased confidence in the unstoppable power of the grace of God.”

We also wanted to recommend several other resources that may serve those with difficult teens:

1.   Get Outta My Face! by Rick Horne. Paul Tripp writes of this book: “Here is the wisdom of a man who has experienced the courage and hope that transforming grace can give to you and that hard teenager God has placed in your life.”

2.   The Journal of Biblical Counseling articles from Summer 2005 and Winter 2007 are full of insightful wisdom from God’s Word for leading teenagers.

3.   A recent interview w/ Bob Kauflin and his son, Devon, by Nicole’s husband, Steve Whitacre will provide hope and help for parents and is great to listen to along with your teen.

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A Mother’s Conversation

I’ve been a mother to four teenagers now—three are adults and one is still a teen. I’ve had hundreds (probably thousands) of conversations with my kids. Most of these have been meaningful and memorable talks. But, like all sinful parents and teens, we’ve had difficult conversations as well; and over the years (I hope!) I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes.

The following is a list of seven “reminders” that have served me in those challenging conversations. These are not rules, but guidelines drawn from Scripture that have helped me as I seek to navigate these talks in a God-glorifying way. I’ve included key quotes and verses that have inspired these thoughts.

In prayerful dependence on the Holy Spirit, may I encourage you to…

1) Communicate humbly with your teen.

 “Teens will quickly detect Mom’s, Dad’s genuineness by their humility. Let us recall that we are weak people speaking to other weak people, who simply happen to be younger than us.” Rick Horne

“The most helpful thing to remember is that your teenager is more like you than unlike you…. There are very few struggles in the life of my teenager that I don’t recognize in my own heart as well…. Come [to the conversation] as a fellow sinner.” Paul David Tripp

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

2) Postpone talking if you’re angry.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29

And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will. 2 Timothy 2:24-26

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

3) Postpone talking if your teen is angry.

“There are times when serious injury is done by urging the claims of religion. Your child is angry. His flushed cheeks and violent motions show the sinful irritation of his mind. Shall the mother now converse with him upon the wickedness of these feelings and God’s displeasure? No! It is unseasonable.” John S.C. Abbott

The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out. Proverbs 17:14

4) Don’t talk too long.

“Guard against long and tedious conversations on religious subjects. The mind of a child cannot be fixed for any great length of time upon one subject without exhaustion. Every word that is uttered, after there are manifestations of weariness, will do more harm than good.” John S.C. Abbott

“Listen, don’t lecture. You can usually say all you need to say in about 2 minutes and 30 seconds before you start repeating yourself.” Kenneth Maresco

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. Proverbs 10:19

5) Correct only what you must; overlook what you can.

 I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. John 16:12

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11

6) Acknowledge your own sin.

 “Even if you are only 10 percent to blame for a given conflict, Jesus’ words from Matthew 7 apply to you as much as if you had been 90 percent to blame. You need to acknowledge 100 percent of your 10 percent. The point of Jesus’ teaching is that the first and most important thing for you to realize in any conflict is how your own blindness and sin contributed to the problem.” Rick Horne

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Matthew 7:3-5

7) Don’t let the conversation end until you have encouraged your teen.

But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. Hebrews 3:13

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul. Proverbs 16:24

A good word makes him glad. Proverbs 12:25

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A Mother’s Prayer

If you are the mother of a rebellious child, the great pastor Charles Spurgeon has some encouraging counsel for you:

Are you “driven in a corner” today by an ungodly child? Then may I encourage you to “flee to the strong for strength”? Jesus delights to comfort you, to give you hope, and to hear your prayers.

Last year we started The FAM Club to encourage fasting and prayer for members of our family, and we wrote several posts that I hope will remind you of the fruitfulness of persevering prayer:

A mother who prayed faithfully for the salvation her six daughters.
Charles Bridges’ exhortation to persevering prayer.
The well-known story of Augustine’s mother.

Remember: “No case is hopeless while Jesus lives.”

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A Mother’s Pride

“A foolish son is a sorrow to his mother” it says in Proverbs. Some of you know all too well the truth of these words. If you have a wayward son or daughter your sorrow may have many shades and sides:

You may feel grief—grief over the foolish choices that bring consequences to your child, pain to others, and reproach to God’s name.

You may know fear—fear of the future and what will happen to your child and to your family. Will they ever turn from their sins? Will they ever trust in God? Will our relationship ever be restored?

You may have regret—regret over discipline not given, sin unchecked, and regret over angry words spoken and unloving actions taken.

You may feel shame—shame before other parents (What do they think of me now?) and even shame before God (Is He disappointed in me?).

Certainly, there is a place for sadness and self-examination. But we can’t get stuck there. We must not wallow in our deficiencies. We must not think that success or failure depends entirely upon our parenting, because it doesn’t. We must resist the temptation to make our children’s behavior all about us. We must turn our gaze to God.

You see, excessive self-focus reveals what we believe in. It reveals pride. As moms we can be proud when our children are doing well, by taking credit for their good behavior and receiving the praise of others as if it was due to us. But did you know we can also be proud when our children are doing poorly? If we believe their foolish choices are solely the result of our failures, or if we are consumed by fear of what others think about us, or if we rely on our words and methods to change their hearts, we prove we are leaning on ourselves, hoping in ourselves, wanting glory for ourselves, instead of trusting in God.

So if you know the sorrow of a wayward child may I encourage you—stop staring at your failures. Lift up your eyes and look to God. Receive his comfort in your grief, His joy for your fear, His forgiveness for your sin, His righteousness for your shame, His hope for your future.

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Mothering Teens Recap

The past few weeks Mom has covered four deals for mothers of teenagers, all adapted from our book, Girl Talk:

Faith

Example (pt. one, two, and three)

Love (pt. one, two, and three)

Discipline (pt. one, two, three and four)

Next week we want to offer counsel and encouragement to moms of rebellious or wayward teenagers. God wants to give you hope, and yes, even help you to laugh at the time to come (Pr. 31:25). 

Speaking of laughter, be sure to check back later today for the Friday Funnies.

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Rear them Tenderly

If your teenager remains unresponsive to your leadership, may I encourage you to obtain the help of godly friends or pastors? My children knew that if they refused to respond to C.J. and me, we wouldn’t hesitate to ask others to counsel them. They have since told us that this was an incentive to repent. We must not be too proud to position our teenagers to receive all the help they need. And in addition to requesting counsel for our teenagers, we should seek evaluation of our parenting as well.

The mother of famous nineteenth-century pastor Charles Spurgeon was an example of a woman who aggressively sought to bring her children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Her son wrote of her:

“I cannot tell how much I owe to the solemn words of my good mother….I remember on one occasion her praying thus: ‘Now, Lord, if my children go on in their sins, it will not be from ignorance that they perish, and my soul must bear a swift witness against them at the day of judgment if they lay not hold of Christ.’”

May we as mothers all be able to pray as Mrs. Spurgeon prayed. May we be faithful to discipline our children and so help them avoid both the temporary and eternal consequences of sin.

But our discipline must spring from and not be separated from our tender love. In fact, the phrase “bring them up” in Ephesians 6 has a distinct relational component and could be translated “rear them tenderly.” We show loving discipline by refraining from harsh or angry correction and by not withholding our affections—regardless of the nature or frequency of our teenagers’ sins.

Bringing our children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord is hard work. God never said it would be otherwise. But he has promised to provide help and assistance to all who call on His name. This promise gives us the faith and courage to discipline our teenagers with the end in view. They may not thank us for it right now. They may not thank us for a long time. But one day they will.

The book of James closes with this stunning promise: “Whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins” (James 5:20). Let’s be ready and willing to perform this merciful service for the teenagers we love.

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Proactive Parenting

Biblical discipline calls for a proactive approach. We must aggressively and intentionally steer our teenagers in the ways of the Lord. Of course, action alone won’t prevent our children from sinning. It takes a work of the Holy Spirit, but action is vitally necessary.

Here are four suggestions for pro-active parenting:

1.    Be unified. Unity between father and mother is essential. Now unity doesn’t mean the absence of disagreement. Differences of opinion are inevitable between couples. What is essential, however, is that we seek to resolve our differences as quickly as possible and present a united front to our teenagers. So if you and your husband are not of one mind on discipline, please seek counsel from your pastor or a trusted Christian friend.

2.    Be discerning. To be active in our discipline, we must be watchful, attentive, discerning mothers. We need to study our teenagers carefully, ask them probing questions, and maintain a constant awareness of what is going on in their lives. We must be on top of sinful patterns and tendencies (e.g. laziness, self-righteousness, lust, deceit, vanity, pride, and so on). We need to learn their “hot button” temptations.

We seek to gain insight into their thoughts, temptations, and feelings so we can be poised to bring timely correction, hold our teenagers accountable, and set boundaries to protect them from ungodly influences. From there, we want to help our teenagers develop a plan to walk in godliness.

3.    Be dramatic (when necessary). If our teenagers do not show evidence of steady growth in godliness or are unresponsive to our training—dramatic action may be necessary. If a teenager is veering toward worldliness, we may need to cut off ties with an ungodly friend. If he or she has been dishonest, then maybe we need to remove cell phone or Internet privileges. Proactive discipline may mean that you risk upsetting an otherwise “peaceful” situation in your home. It may initiate a conflict or a trial. But there is too much at stake not to take action. We want our teenagers to reap the sweet fruit of repentance.

4.    Be clear. Dramatic action must be accompanied by explanation. Few things are more frustrating to a young person than: “because I told you so.” This response is appropriate for a small child who does not yet have the capacity to understand our decisions. However, a teenager capable of rational thinking (most of the time!) will greatly benefit from an explanation. Effective parenting involves teaching our teenagers to understand from Scripture why we’ve made particular decisions. 

The fruit of discipline tomorrow…

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Proactive Not Reactive

Our biblical charge to discipline our teenagers means that we cannot be passive parents. We must not think that we are helpless or without recourse to deal with our teenagers’ sin. Neither turning a blind eye nor remaining ignorant are acceptable options. We cannot afford to assume “this is just a phase” or “this is normal for his age.”

And we must not subscribe to the theory that allowing our teenagers to experience the world will make them stronger. Effective discipline of teenagers requires more than reactive parenting, which only swings into gear when a crisis hits.

Left to themselves, our teenagers will not naturally conform to the Word of God. The truth is that we all go our own way apart from the intervention of the Holy Spirit and the correction of godly friends. (This fact should help us guard against self-righteousness.) And if we ignore, minimize, or are at ease with the discrepancies between our teenagers’ behavior and God’s standard, there may be dire consequences.

That’s why J.C. Ryle strongly warned parents:

We’ll consider how to take advantage of those “means” and be proactive in discipline tomorrow.

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Bring Up Our Teenagers

All parents are bound to the command in Ephesians 6:4 to “bring [our children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” While this verse is addressed to fathers, Scripture is clear that a mother’s participating is equally significant (Prov. 1:8; 6:20; 31:26; Eph. 6:1; Col. 3:20).

Pastor John MacArthur explains that the word discipline  in Ephesians 6 means “enforced conformity to the heart and the life to God and His truth.” Discipline is a strong word that implies deliberate and committed action on the part of parents. It insists that we go to whatever lengths are required to deter our children from sin and instead direct them in paths of righteousness. My husband used to express his resolve to obey his command by telling our daughters, “If necessary, I will throw my body in front of you to prevent you from sinning.”

C.J.’s statement might sound extreme; however, I believe it is biblical. Given the seriousness of sin before a holy God, we as parents must seek to restrain our children from bringing reproach to God’s name and pain to others—not to mention sparing them the bitter consequences. We must make every effort to train our teenagers and redirect them toward a lifestyle that brings glory to God and that aligns with His Word.

Ultimately, our desire is for our teenagers to experience the blessings and favor that flow from a life of obedience to God.

More tomorrow.

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Tips for Loving Teens, Pt. 2

How can we make the best use of our time by loving our teenagers? Here are two more simple ideas:

5.    Encourage, Encourage, Encourage.
Proverbs gives abundant proof that encouraging words refresh our teenagers’ souls: “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul” (16:24); “A good word makes him glad” (12:25) and “a gentle tongue is a tree of life” (15:4). Let’s ask ourselves: are the words our daughters hear from us primarily condemning and corrective or positive and uplifting? Do our words give them life and make them glad? While correction is necessary at times, our daughters should be the constant recipients of our encouragement.

And this encouragement can come in many forms and for many reasons. We can write a note, send a text or e-mail, encourage them in front of someone else, or simply tell them of our love. We can point out their personality traits and unique talents we appreciate. We can draw attention to ways they have grown in their passion for God or love for others; we can remind them of God’s help in the midst of difficult situations. These are all examples of what my husband calls “Evidences of God’s Grace”—ways God is at work in our teenagers lives. We must not let a day go by without communicating these encouraging thoughts to them.

6.    Make memories.
One of my favorite ways to express tender love for my children was to plan special outings and find unique ways to make memories. Today we have a whole collection of memories that we review often with fondness and laughter. Both the planned activities and the spontaneous moments can all be potential memories if we apply a little creativity. And don’t forget to throw in a surprise or two. Everybody loves surprises—even teenagers!

These ideas are a sampling of the endless ways we can express our tender love to our teenagers. Tender love liberally scatters gospel seeds in our teenagers’ lives. We can trust God to cause these seeds to take root and grow into a mature love for Him.

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Tips for Loving Teens

How can we as mothers cultivate and express tender love for our teenagers? Here are a few ideas:

1.    Pray.
A godly mother’s prayers have “great power” (James 5:16), and so who better to pray for our daughters than us? No one knows them the way we do. No one is more familiar with the unique temptations and pressures they face every day. No one can pray for them with keener insight or greater compassion. We should be committed to loving our teenagers by faithfully praying for them. And what’s more, we should inform them of our prayers. As Charles Spurgeon once said, “No man can do me a truer kindness in this world than to pray for me.”

2.    Take an interest.
Make it a point to discover your teenagers hobbies and leisure pursuits. Talk to him or her about them and learn to share in their enthusiasm. You may even go a step further and participate in their favorite activities. For example, my daughter Kristin developed a love for the art of cooking as a teenager. So I arranged for us to take some gourmet cooking classes offered by the county. This provided a meaningful experience for the two of us to share, and it was a tangible way to express my tender love for Kristin. “Taking an interest” need not require financial expense, but it does call for a heart for love and enthusiasm for the things your teenager enjoys. 

3.    Listen closely.
Attentive listening entails an eagerness to hear everything with regard to our teenagers thoughts, feelings and experiences. It’s more than just keeping our mouths shut. Listening means making full eye contact, not looking around with a blank stare. We don’t’ interrupt, yawn, or prematurely formulate an answer. Careful listening will encourage our teens to bare their souls to us and share their innermost thoughts. So let’s make sure our teenagers know we want to hear all about it!

4.    Express Affection.
We should lavish affection on our teenagers from the moment they wake up until they go to bed at night. We can do this verbally by simply saying, “I love you,” throughout the day. We can express physical affection through hugs and kisses. In the midst of correction we should reaffirm our love, reminding them that we discipline them because we love them. We never want our teenagers to have a moment’s doubt about our love.

Two more ways to tenderly love your teen tomorrow….

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One Grand Secret

Continuing our series on best deals for mothers of teenagers we turn to Titus 2:4 for a priceless nugget of mothering wisdom. It tells us to “love [our] children” tenderly. This may not appear to be a new and novel parenting tip, but J.C. Ryle insisted that this biblical principle is “one grand secret of successful training.”

This tender love he described as “a willingness to enter into childish troubles, a readiness to take part in childish joys—these are the cords by which a child may be led most easily—these are the clues you must follow if you would find the way to their heart.”

Similarly, Paul Tripp encourages us as parents to “remember what it was like to live in the scary world of the teen years.”

A simple test of the effectiveness of tender love requires only a moment of self-reflection. Don’t we all respond better to a person who takes an interest in us and expresses affection than to someone who tries to force or manipulate us to comply with their wishes?

Our teenagers are no different. Discipline, correction, and training are ineffective and even detrimental when void of tender love. But these same tools are more readily welcomed if they come with a kind and gentle hand. The biblical maxim to treat others as you would like to be treated most certainly applies here.

And wasn’t it a tender love that the Savior showed to us when He granted us salvation? He leads us with “cords of kindness” (Hos. 11:4), and “He does not deal with us according to our sins” (Ps. 103:10.

So the most important reason to show tender love is because it displays Christ’s love to our teenagers.

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