girltalk Blog

“Real Simple” Mothering

Whenever I get overwhelmed and mothering seems as complex as a calculus problem, my mom always helps me put things in perspective.  “Gospel-centered mothering at this stage is simple,” she tells me. “Not easy, mind you. It requires sacrificial love, hard work, and consistency. But it isn’t complicated.”

My problem is that I am a professional complicator. If “complicating the simple” was a science they would have tenured me as a professor at some prestigious university by now. I chase every new rabbit trail of a mothering idea, and fret about the roads not taken with my children. In this self-constructed maze, I quickly lose sight of God’s priorities for mothering young children.

But Mom’s right. It isn’t that complicated. It comes down to two basic but crucial priorities: Obedience and Respect. Paul summarizes these twin child-training “musts” for the early years:

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land” (Eph. 6:20).

There are many good things that we can—and should—teach our children. But these two are essential if we want our children to enjoy a long and a good life, a life of gospel fruitfulness. This isn’t moralistic mothering. Training our children to respect and obey is God’s command. And it is essential to helping our children understand what it means to fear the Lord, to walk in obedience to Him.

“The child trained in biblical obedience is better able to understand the gospel” explains Tedd Tripp. “The power and grace of the gospel is most deeply understood, not by those who never face their biblical duties, but by those who do.”

Obedience is the gateway to understanding the gospel.

So as I consider at the beginning of this year how to train my children, I return to these two simple priorities. I ask myself: How am I doing at training my children to respect and obey us? How can I as a mother be more consistent, more effective, at teaching, training, and disciplining my children in these two areas?

Gospel-centered mothering in 2013? Not easy. But real simple.

~Related Posts~

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A Mother’s Large Career

A couple more brilliant quotes from G.K. Chesterton on motherhood. We’ve posted them before but they are worth a reread:

“[Woman is surrounded] with very young children, who require to be taught not so much anything as everything. Babies need not to be taught a trade, but to be introduced to a world. To put the matter shortly, woman is generally shut up in a house with a human being at the time when he asks all the questions that there are, and some that there aren’t….”

“[W]hen people begin to talk about this domestic duty as not merely difficult but trivial and dreary, I simply give up the question. For I cannot with the utmost energy of imagination conceive what they mean. When domesticity, for instance, is called drudgery, all the difficulty arises from a double meaning in the word. If drudgery only means dreadfully hard work, I admit the woman drudges in the home, as a man might drudge [at his work]. But if it means that the hard work is more heavy because it is trifling, colorless and of small import to the soul, then as I say, I give it up; I do not know what the words mean…. I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children [arithmetic], and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No; a woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness.”

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Not Her Best

As mothers we can sometimes feel overwhelmed because we think that, in addition to being an amazing mom, we should also be exceptional at something else, distinguishable from all the other moms out there by some trade or talent. We can be keenly, sometimes painfully, aware of our lack of specialized skill.

Many of us trained for a specific field of work only to leave it behind to come home with our baby; and then the field left us behind as we raised our children. We may see our husband excelling at his career or observe other women who seem to be exceptionally gifted at one thing or another, and because we haven’t distinguished ourselves in some way (we’ve been too busy cleaning toilets, running errands, reading children’s books, and pouring bowls of cereal), we wonder if we are really good at anything.

Twentieth century British author G.K. Chesterton has liberating insight for all mothers who feel pressure to excel in something besides caring for their children, husband, and home. In an essay entitled “The Emancipation of Domesticity” he observed that woman is a “general overseer” in the home, and as such, she must be able to do many things well—she shouldn’t have to worry about being “the best” at something.

“In other words, there must be in every center of humanity one human being upon a larger plan; one who does not ‘give her best,’ but gives her all….

The woman is expected to cook: not to excel in cooking, but to cook; to cook better than her husband who is earning [a living] by lecturing on botany or breaking stones….the woman is expected to tell tales to the children, not original and artistic tales, but tales—better tales than would probably be told by a first-class cook.

But she cannot be expected to endure anything like this universal duty if she is also to endure the direct cruelty of competitive or bureaucratic toil. Woman must be a cook, but not a competitive cook; a school mistress, but not a competitive schoolmistress; a house-decorator but not a competitive house-decorator; a dressmaker, but not a competitive dressmaker. She should have not one trade but twenty hobbies; she, unlike the man, may develop all her second bests.

This is what has been really aimed at from the first in what is called the seclusion, or even the oppression, of women. Women

were not kept at home in order to keep them narrow; on the contrary, they were kept at home in order to keep them broad”

My fellow moms, let’s embrace the “larger plan” ordained by our Creator. Let’s not worry about being the best, but eagerly give our all to the broad calling of motherhood.

“She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” (Proverbs 31:27-29 ESV)

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Momentary Motherhood

It is easy to become distracted by the constant demands of motherhood, but we must not lose sight of this fact: Our children are only young for a very brief time.

When my girls were little, it wasn’t always easy for me to wake up for those 2:00 a.m. feedings. Loneliness sometimes crept in when I missed an activity in order to put them to bed on time. I was eager to get them potty-trained and be done with the dirty diaper routine. Some days it felt as if that season would never end.

But frequently on trips to the grocery store a grandmother would stop to admire my little ones and leave me with this admonition: “Honey, enjoy them now because they grow up so quickly.”

How right those women were!

I was keenly aware of the fleetingness of childhood when my son Chad was born. At the time of his birth, Nicole was sixteen, Kristin was fifteen, and Janelle was eleven. By now experience had taught me to treasure each moment, for I knew he wouldn’t stay small very long.

The challenges of mothering seemed altogether insignificant this time around. Middle-of-the-night feedings weren’t drudgery. I hardly gave a moment’s thought to missing an activity. I certainly wasn’t in a hurry to potty-train my son. In fact, much to the chagrin of my three daughters, I did not tend to that task until he was almost four years old. (By that time, it only took one day to train him!).

Moms, you may be up to your earlobes with babies and dirty diapers. Or you may be spending half your life in the car, driving your children to and from numerous activities. In whatever stage of motherhood you find yourself, may I remind you of something? It won’t last for very long.

In Psalm 90 Moses depicted the reality of the brevity of life. He compared our lives to a watch in the night, a dream, grass that flourishes and then fades—all brief and fleeting images. Then he prayed this way: “So teach us to number our days” (v. 12).

Have you numbered your days lately? If we pause to count the remaining days we have with our children, we will realize how few there are. This awareness will help us to love our children today, to joyfully sacrifice for them today, to thank God for the gift of being their mom today.   

—adapted from Feminine Appeal

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How To Be a Happy Mom

I once talked to a woman who told me how she used to always be overwhelmed and unhappy as a mother. She was so burdened by the constant demands of her small children. She lived anxious and depressed. But then this mother was tragically separated from one of her children for a period of time. God worked in her heart through this difficult circumstance, and one way was to transform her perspective of motherhood.

“Ever since that time” she said “I have never struggled with depression again. God helped me to see what a blessing my children are. I wake up every morning so grateful that I get to care for them, to meet their needs, to have them near me. I am the happiest mom.”

Thankfulness drives away the clouds of weariness, self-pity, and impatience that overshadow the joys of motherhood. If we find that we have lost our joy in mothering, it may be because we have neglected to consistently thank God for our children.

Sure, our children are a big responsibility and they do require a lot of work! But they are first and most importantly a gift from God and an incredible blessing. Read with me again the familiar words of Psalm 127:

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! (Psalm 127:3-5 ESV)

Let the truth of Scripture refresh your perspective of motherhood on this Monday. It doesn’t matter how your children are behaving or how much discipline they may require or how much work it is to care for their needs. The truth is that they are a gift, a heritage, a reward. So choose to thank God for your children, and you will become a happy mom. 

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When You Feel Like A Failure

I once saw a Family Circus cartoon that showed three children leaning on the edge of their parents’ bed, watching them while they slept. The caption underneath was one child’s remark: “They look so sweet and peaceful when they’re asleep. You wonder how they could ever yell at us during the day.”

Do you ever wonder if this happens in your home? That your kids think of you as a mean mom? That your failures as a mother define you and determine your children’s future?

When you add the feeling (or reality) of a mothering failure to the exhaustion, the endless work, and the temptation to compare yourself to other moms, you have a perfect motherhood storm.

This happened to me countless times when I was raising my children. I would fail in my mothering—either by something I did, or something I didn’t do—and I was sure it was a sign I would ultimately fail. That was it. My kids would never “turn out.” I had ruined them forever.

I remember one time I got angry at one of my daughters. Although I had repented before God and asked my daughter’s forgiveness, I still felt terrible. I berated myself for treating my child in such a manner. I was convinced the damage was irreparable.  

But my husband encouraged me: “Because of your humility in asking her to forgive you, she feels close to you now than before.” And he was right. This daughter and I were experiencing the sweet closeness that follows repentance in a relationship.

Now I’m not issuing a free pass to sin! I am not saying, “It’s okay to be unkind to your children. They’re tough. They can handle it.” Sin is always the wrong choice. It does have consequences. So by the power of the Holy Spirit, we must work tirelessly to eradicate it from our lives (Rom. 8:13). When we sin we must not make excuses, we must confess our sin to God and humbly ask our children for forgiveness.

But we must not succumb to despair or live with low-grade condemnation or guilt. This maligns the gospel and does not produce the fruit of repentance or serve our children. Rather we must return to Scripture. We must remind ourselves of the truth that God is faithful and just to forgive us from our sins and to cleanse us from unrighteousness (1 John 1:9), that he is busy conforming us to the image of His Son (Rom 8:29), and that he works all things (even our mothering failures!), for our good and the good of our children (Rom 8:28).

(adapted from Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother)

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Reality Mothering

So often, we moms evaluate our own mothering by our worst days and compare ourselves to other moms on their best days. But both measurements are wrong and can result in a whole lot of unnecessary (not to mention ungodly) anxiety, false guilt, and self-pity.

When we get back from that awful trip to the grocery store with three small fussy children, or endure an entire day of teenage sullenness we conclude that this “worst day ever” is the measure of our mothering: total failure.

But then we go online—where a whole lot of mothering “best days” are to be found—and assume other moms have it altogether.

We read a mom-blog with gorgeous photographs of a creatively decorated, perfectly clean and organized children’s room and we assume this must be what this woman’s entire house looks like all the time.

Or our Facebook feed is full of parental reports of children’s latest sibling-loving, super-adorable, mature-beyond-their-years comments and we assume that this is what conversations in those homes must sound like all the time.

Or we pop over to Pinterest only to conclude that every other woman must serve fresh, delicious, beautiful, organic meals to her family all the time.

What we can’t see online are the ten messy-house, fussy-children, cereal-for-dinner days for every one Pinterest-perfect moment. So we must be alert to our temptation to compare ourselves to a false standard—a picture that someone else is trying to portray, or that we have filled out in our own minds based on a single snapshot.

And if browsing routinely leaves us prone to compare, overwhelmed, and guilt-ridden, then it may be a sign we need to cut back online and return regularly and ruthlessly to Scripture: to remind us that each day (for every mom!) has enough trouble of its own (Matt 6:34), but also that “as your days, so shall your strength be” (Deut. 33:25) and that if we do not grow weary in doing good, in due season we will reap if we do not give up (Gal 6:9).

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The Online Mom

Before we get to some more specific thoughts on gospel-centered parenting, we want to talk about a few sources of discouragement for moms. Unruly children aren’t the only cause for despair; a big source of temptation can also come from comparison with other moms.

Meagan sent is this insightful comment about Janelle’s post:

It was nice to be assured that some one else has children who throw themselves on the floor and cry as if the world is ending when they don’t get their way and that I’m not the only one who doesn’t get around to gourmet meals every night. So often all people post about or share are the great, creative things they do. Like gourmet meals and hand sewn clothes and perfectly dressed kids. And all the status updates are about the latest adorable thing their child has done. (No one posts about the latest tantrum their kid has thrown.) And please understand, I’m sure I am guilty of the very things I am complaining about!  But one can walk away from all of these posts/updates thinking that everyone else has there act together and this is what it must look like to be a “good” mom and wife. And when one doesn’t measure up to these standards one’s heart can be sorely discouraged and guilt laden.

As one pastor recently quoted Will Farrell (not someone we ever thought we would be quoting here on girltalk!): “May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.”

Now I don’t think most of us mean to “pretend” or even to be fake. But this raises an interesting point—both about what we as mothers post and how we interpret what others post on social media.

In our recent series, The Connected Heart, we noted that there are endless ways that we as mothers can benefit from social media and the Internet. But we must also be alert to the fact that it expands the sources of temptation as well.

When I was raising my children there were only my friends and neighbors with whom I was tempted to compare my mothering. Today, with Facebook, Pinterest and the like, we measure ourselves against countless women every day—many of whom we do not know and whose “real” lives are mostly hidden from view.

So while we can glean many creative and useful mothering tips online, we can also be tempted to measure ourselves against a virtual standard of motherhood: a perfect, composite mother who doesn’t, in fact, really exist at all.

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Gospel-Centered Parenting For Real Life

My son, Hudson, will be two in November, and while he brings his family tons of joy, his sinful nature is on full display. He has mastered the art of screaming and throwing himself on the floor when he doesn’t get his way. And when he’s really angry, he tries to hit me and pull my hair. Good times.

Caly and MJ—my two girls—are 6 and 4. They are at that really fun age where we can create family memories and build relationally. But they both struggle with emotional self-control and sometimes it feels like they cry all day long. Many days I just want to cry too.

Then I hear the phrase “gospel-centered parenting” and I want to crawl into a hole and never come out again.

It feels like yet another thing I’m not doing very well. Am I really supposed to explain God’s righteous wrath toward sin and the wonders of substitutionary atonement to MJ as she wails in despair because Caly won’t give her a turn with the toy cash register? Does gospel-centered parenting mean I have to remind Hudson of his desperate state as a sinner before a holy God, helpless to change without the power of the Holy Spirit, while he screams on the floor with one eye cocked to see if I’m taking in the performance?

Not to mention these things are happening all day long. If I am preaching the gospel to my children every time they sin, the health inspectors will soon be showing up at our door, because nothing else is gonna get done around here.

Please don’t misunderstand. I believe that all our parenting must be gospel-centered. But I think sometimes our idea of what that should look like gets muddled (at least mine does!). We can easily add on all kinds of additional and frankly unrealistic practices that aren’t in Scripture and then we feel overwhelmed by guilt that we are not “doing it right.”

But God’s commands are not burdensome (1 John 5:3). Sure, motherhood is hard work—the hardest job around. But if motherhood becomes a burden, it may be because we have added our own requirements to God’s commands. And thus, in our attempts to practice gospel-centered parenting we unintentionally miss out on grace.

We have a few more thoughts on this topic, but right now I gotta go. Hudson is throwing a fit.

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Conclusion: Our Connected Heart

So how did your Less for More challenge go? It’s been great to hear how you have benefited from less social media and more time in God’s Word. I know for me, the discipline of reading Scripture before Twitter or Facebook is a habit I want to keep, and I also plan to set aside regular times to re-evaluate my Internet use in light of God’s Word.

We began our “Connected Heart” series with the question:  are my online habits dictated, directed, and in line with the Word of God? And while there is much more we could say, its time to bring this series to a close. We’ve compiled all the posts into one downloadable pdf, making it easy for you to read, print, and share with others.  Feel free to make copies for friends or a small group study.

Our hope is that this humble collection of posts will encourage prayer, thoughtfulness, and fellowship about God’s Word and our online habits.

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The Best Subject of All Our [Online] Conversation

“f you are in company, let your time be spent in that conversation that profiteth: let it not be about your dressing, your plays, your profits, or your worldly concerns, but let it be the wonders of redeeming love. O tell, tell to each other what great things the Lord has done for your souls; declare unto one another how you were delivered from the hands of your common enemy, Satan, and how the Lord has brought your feet from the clay and has set them upon the rock of ages, the Lord Jesus Christ; there, my brethren, is no slipping. Other conversation, by often repeating, you become fully acquainted with, but of Christ there is always something new to raise your thoughts; you can never want when the love of the Lord Jesus Christ is the subject. So let Jesus be the subject, my brethren, of all your conversation.” George Whitfield in O Come Thou Long Expected Jesus p 13