Jul 31

7 Reminders When Talking to Teens about Emotions

2014 at 8:04 am   |   by Carolyn Mahaney Filed under Biblical Womanhood | Emotions | Motherhood

As the mother of four adult children, all of whom were teenagers at one time, I’ve had hundreds (probably thousands) of conversations, many of which were about emotions. Most of these were meaningful and memorable talks. But, like all sinful parents and teens, we had difficult conversations as well; and over the years (I hope!) I learned a lot from my mistakes.

The following is a list of seven “reminders” that served me in those challenging conversations. These are not rules, but guidelines drawn from Scripture that guided me as I tried to navigate these talks in a God-glorifying way. I’ve included key quotes and verses that have inspired these thoughts.

In prayerful dependence on the Holy Spirit, may I encourage you to…

1) Communicate humbly with your teen.

“Teens will quickly detect Mom’s, Dad’s genuineness by their humility. Let us recall that we are weak people speaking to other weak people, who simply happen to be younger than us.” Rick Horne

“The most helpful thing to remember is that your teenager is more like you than unlike you…. There are very few struggles in the life of my teenager that I don’t recognize in my own heart as well…. Come [to the conversation] as a fellow sinner.” Paul David Tripp

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

2) Postpone talking if you’re angry.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29

And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will. 2 Timothy 2:24-26

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

3) Postpone talking if your teen is angry.

“There are times when serious injury is done by urging the claims of religion. Your child is angry. His flushed cheeks and violent motions show the sinful irritation of his mind. Shall the mother now converse with him upon the wickedness of these feelings and God’s displeasure? No! It is unseasonable.” John S.C. Abbott

The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out. Proverbs 17:14

4) Don’t talk too long.

“Guard against long and tedious conversations on religious subjects. The mind of a child cannot be fixed for any great length of time upon one subject without exhaustion. Every word that is uttered, after there are manifestations of weariness, will do more harm than good.” John S.C. Abbott

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.Proverbs 10:19

5) Correct only what you must; overlook what you can.

I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. John 16:12

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11

6) Acknowledge your own sin.

“Even if you are only 10 percent to blame for a given conflict, Jesus’ words from Matthew 7 apply to you as much as if you had been 90 percent to blame. You need to acknowledge 100 percent of your 10 percent. The point of Jesus’ teaching is that the first and most important thing for you to realize in any conflict is how your own blindness and sin contributed to the problem.” Rick Horne

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5

7) Don’t let the conversation end until you have encouraged your teen.

But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. Hebrews 3:13

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul. Proverbs 16:24

A good word makes him glad. Proverbs 12:25

Related Posts:

How to Talk about Feelings with Your Teen

Teens and Emotions: A Time to Talk

Reassuring Words for Changing Emotions


Jul 29

How to Talk About Feelings With Your Teen

2014 at 5:41 am   |   by Carolyn Mahaney Filed under Biblical Womanhood | Emotions | Motherhood

When your child begins to think and wonder about more than what’s for dinner or when their next soccer game is, it’s time to start a conversation about their emotions.

Relationship is the bridge over which we can carry loads of gospel truth into our children’s lives. How do we strengthen this relationship and begin this conversation? Here are a few suggestions.

1. Pay attention. Watch your children in order to discern how they are wired emotionally and what most influences their emotions. Recently one of my daughters told me how her son would get quieter and less cheerful at times. She and her husband began to watch him closely and then ask him questions about his moods, which led to fruitful discussions about his struggles and temptations. In order to discern our children’s emotional makeup we must be around and we must pay close attention. Ask yourself: What is his personality like? What triggers her moods? When is she most happy or sad?

2. Create opportunities. Carve out regular times for conversation. Go out for a special time once a week. Take walks. Run errands. Often children may feel more comfortable talking during a shared chore or activity than sitting across from you at Starbucks. I often found my girls most talkative at bedtime so I sought to seize that opportunity, even though it wasn’t my first choice.

3. Ask good questions. Question asking is an art, one you’ll need to work at for the rest of your life. Seek to begin with data gathering questions that tell you a lot without spooking your children into thinking that a lecture is close at hand. Once you get them talking, they will leave many clues as to how they process their emotions. So instead of “Why do you seem so depressed lately?” maybe start with “What are you enjoying most about school right now?” Surfacey, non-threatening questions are an entrée into their lives. Hopefully, they will lead to questions such as “What have you been thinking about lately?” or “How have you been feeling this week?” “The purpose of a [teen’s] heart is like deep water, but a [mom] of understanding will draw it out.” Prov. 20:5

4. Listen well. If you succeed in getting your child to open up to you, be prepared to listen! Kids can tell if you are interested in what they are saying or not. Seek to establish yourself as the one person who is always eager to hear what they have to say and you will forge a strong bond with your child.

Start a conversation and you will construct a strong bridge of friendship over which you can carry vital gospel truths about their emotions.

Related Posts:

Teens and Emotions: A Time to Talk

Reassuring Words for Changing Emotions

Navigating the Emotional Changes of the Teen Years

Jul 28

Are We Too Busy?

2014 at 10:43 am   |   by Carolyn Mahaney Filed under Biblical Womanhood | Time Management

One reason we are so harried and hurried is that we make yesterday and tomorrow our business, when all that legitimately concerns us is today. If we really have too much to do, there are some items on the agenda which God did not put there. Let us submit the list to Him and ask Him to indicate which items we must delete. There is always time to do the will of God. If we are too busy to do that, we are too busy. ~Elisabeth Elliot

Jul 23

Teens and Emotions: A Time to Talk

2014 at 9:03 am   |   by Carolyn Mahaney Filed under Biblical Womanhood | Emotions | Motherhood

If one word captures the priority for our children’s emotions in the teen years, it is “conversation.” We find this command in Scripture:

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ~Deuteronomy 6:7

Teaching self-control is not an end in itself. We are fashioning vessels that can receive and retain the gospel truths we pour into their hearts.

Sometimes, parents get it backwards. They talk to their toddler as if he was an adult—explaining, bribing, reasoning, pleading—but fail to provide the emotional training a small child needs most: discipline and self-control.

On the flip side, parents often fail to have fruitful conversations with their teenagers: “Because I said so, that’s why!” They can fail to explain what God’s Word says about emotions at just the age when their children need to hear it most.

These priorities are not mutually exclusive. A teenager certainly needs discipline and self-control, and we should teach our toddlers using simple language they can understand.

But hopefully, when a child reaches the age where they are beginning to contemplate the world around them and trying to understand the “why” behind the “what,” we as parents have provided a strong foundation of self-control. And hopefully we are right there, ready and eager to teach them what God’s Word says about their feelings.

The tween and teenage years are a time to talk, a time to listen, and a time to teach. How do we get this conversation started? And what do we teach? More on those questions, to come.

Related Posts:

Reassuring Words for Changing Emotions

Navigating the Emotional Changes of the Teen Years

Teens and Their Emotions: Easily Influenced, Highly Influential

Jul 21

A Remarkable View of Suffering

2014 at 9:53 am   |   by Carolyn Mahaney Filed under Biblical Womanhood | Suffering | Gospel

“Things put into the furnace properly can be shaped, refined, purified, and even beautified. This is a remarkable view of suffering, that if faced and endured with faith, it can in the end only make us better, stronger, and more filled with greatness and joy.” ~Timothy Keller

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Pet. 1:6-7