girltalk Blog

Too Busy Not to Check Facebook

I once heard a woman—some time management expert I think—suggest that the reason some office workers check their email compulsively is because they don’t know what to do next. Without a clear understanding of the purpose of their job, what it takes to get it done, or, for that matter, much desire to finish it, the noise announcing a new email becomes a welcome interruption.

The same can be true for me as a mom. Without a clear understanding of what I’m called to do and why it is important, I head aimlessly into my mothering workday and end up wasting a lot of time. So much to do. Where in the world do I start? I have no idea. I guess I’ll check Facebook again. 

Now this doesn’t mean that we aren’t good moms if we don’t wake up every morning with a clear sense of purpose and a prioritized list of tasks. Some days we need to simply put one foot in front of the other, even if we’ve lost sight of the end of the road.  We have to choose to say “no” to distractions even when we can’t remember why it is important to do so. 

But we must also labor to maintain a clear biblical vision of motherhood: to remember who it is who called us in the first place (God!), what He has called us to do (raise these children, created in His image, for His glory!), and how he has called us to do this (diligently, joyfully, relying on His grace). 

The more we see the mercy of God in motherhood, the more we understand the honor and eternal significance of our calling, the more we grasp our solemn responsibility to bring our children up in the ways of the Lord, and the more we are joyfully compelled to glorify the Savior by giving our lives away for our little ones, the less likely we’ll be distracted by the cheap thrills of the Internet. 

We’ll be so caught up in the difficult yet delightful duties of motherhood that the Siren song of our Facebook feed will simply fade away. 

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First Things First

If less important activities are infringing upon more important priorities, we need to make a change. But what does this look like?

Does this mean that moms can’t have a life beyond warming milk bottles and reading bedtime stories or helping with homework and driving to soccer games? 

Of course not! But given the significant amount of time it takes to effectively teach, train, discipline, care for, and encourage children, you won’t have time for much else. Motherhood should consume a majority of your time and attention

So how do we eliminate online distractions and that keep us from focusing on our children?

Let me return to a previous illustration. You may remember how I realized that browsing online while my coffee was brewing each morning ended up cutting into my time with God’s Word. So, I set up a boundary for myself: no email or blogs until I have my quiet time. This wasn’t legalistic. It was simply a personal resolution to protect the most important from the less important, to keep first things first. 

We can apply this same principle to the priorities of mothering and caring for our homes. What structures do you need to set up in your life to keep the training of your children a priority? Maybe you need to refrain from looking at email until the kids go down for a nap, or wake up a half hour earlier to update your blog, or only browse Pinterest or Facebook after the dinner dishes are done. Maybe more drastic action is necessary. You may need to refrain from certain online activities for a time.

Whatever it takes, let me encourage you to clear away all distractions. There’s a time for every season under heaven, and the time to train your children in the ways of the Lord is now.

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A Question of Priorities

So how do we know if we’re   distracted or focused on the right things? We need to determine biblical priorities for our season, and then consistently evaluate whether or not we are living according to those priorities. For moms with young kids, it’s pretty simple. Three non-negotiables top the list:

1.    The gospel (1 Cor. 15:3)
2.    Your husband (Tit. 2:3-5, Eph. 5:23-33)
3.    Your children (Deut. 6:4-9 Tit. 2:3-5)

Ask yourself: Am I preserving these biblical priorities as my top priorities?

Then consider your daily Internet or cell phone habits and ask yourself:

Does my time spent online cut into my time for consistent practice of the spiritual disciplines?

Does Facebook hinder me from putting my husband’s needs first?

Does twitter or texting distract me from the teaching, training, discipline, care and encouragement of my children?

Do my Internet habits cause me to be rushed, hurried,  distracted or anxious in caring for my family and training my children?

If we’re consistent at checking our Facebook wall but not in prayer, or if we’re attentive to our Etsy site or blog but not our children, then we need to make a change.

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Your Inbox, Our Blog, and the Laundry Pile

In a recent note, Heather describes a scenario most of us can probably relate to: 

Dear Girltalkers,

I am so so grateful that you have brought up the internet as our latest discussion topic. Before I had baby Ellie last June, I worked in a job where I got several emails a minute, and so checking my computer screen regularly was important. Since leaving work, I have (rather sadly) continued with this same habit—except now I have no more than the occasional email from Amazon, eBay or the Baby Centre, or from sympathetic friends who know that I still treat my inbox as though it belonged to a lawyer! And because my inbox is empty, I comfort myself by checking Facebook, searching new recipes or - wait for it - seeing whether you’ve written again on your blog!! As you say, none of these things are bad in themselves but they frequently distract me from what I really should be doing. The washing stays in the machine, dinner remains unprepared and my husband arrives home to find his wife glued to a computer screen.

So thank you for addressing a topic which I have known in my heart I’m struggling with. My Straight Edge is at the ready!

Love Heather 

Like Heather, most of us have a sense that something needs to change about our online habits, that all is not quite right in the way we handle technology in our homes. But how much time online is too much? When have we crossed the line from harmless diversion to harmful distraction?  (e.g. Is it wrong to read our blog about biblical womanhood when the laundry isn’t folded yet?) And how do we go about making wise and appropriate changes? 

We’ll set these questions up against the Straight Edge of Scripture in the next few days. 

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A Mother’s Mission

Mothers are responsible to mold and shape lives; to raise children who, in the words of G.K. Chesterton, “require not so much to be taught anything as everything.”

“I might as well be at the controls of a moon shot,” reflected one mom, “the mission is so grave and vast.” And so it is. The training and discipline of our children in the fear the Lord is an awesome task, demanding of our full attention (see Deut 6:5-9).

That’s why, if there’s one concern I have for this new generation of mothers, it is the potential for distraction.

Blogs, Facebook, Twitter and texting allow moms at home to stay connected with the outside world like never before; the Internet makes it possible for women to contribute skills and gifts to the church and the marketplace, while at home with their children. These are all tremendous blessings, and when used wisely, can bless and serve our families and glorify God.

The Proverbs 31 women, long before the Internet, managed a wide range of tasks for the good of her family and community. (But did you notice what time she woke up each morning?) Depending on a woman’s capacity, gifting, personal discipline, as well as the ages and number of children, there may certainly be room for other things.

But we must be watchful that these “other things” don’t distract us from our primary task of mothering.  We must walk carefully through this season, with all its opportunities, and make the best use of our time with our children.

Truth is, we can’t effectively train our children on the side. We can’t discipline them here and there. We can’t teach when we’ve got a free moment. We can’t mother intermittently.

Inconsistent training is ineffective training.

If we are distracted by projects or pleasure, we may miss valuable teaching moments, opportunities to encourage, disobedience that requires discipline, or a chance to show affection. These moments, once lost, are gone forever.

So ladies, may I encourage you, as I do my own daughters, to give training and discipline your first and full attention. Walk carefully, and keep your eyes on the mothering road.

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Is Anyone Home?

“My mother was always there, but never there.”

This quote has haunted me for years, in a good way. I can’t find the original source, but it is what I remember from an interview with the grown daughter of a well-known feminist editor. Her mom worked from home, but as far as her daughter was concerned, her mom was not present at home. She might as well not have been there at all. 

I realized when I read this that it is possible to be a “stay-at-home mom” but not consistently stay at home. To be there for my kids in body but not in spirit. To get them breakfast, lunch, and dinner, provide clean clothes and shuttle service, but not give them my full attention. 

Nothing less than my full attention is required, though, if I am to fulfill my biblical responsibilities as a mother: to teach them diligently (Deut 6:6-9), discipline them lovingly (Prov. 13:24), love them constantly (Titus 2:3-5). 

And nothing can distract me from caring for my children faster than my Internet connection. 

Going online takes the edge off the harder aspects of mothering. It thaws that icy feeling of isolation. It scratches that itch for “intelligent” conversation. It momentarily frees me from the mundane. And checking in with my phone or laptop for “just a moment” doesn’t seem like such a big deal. 

But all of those moments come at a steep price. If my kids have to say my name three times before I look up because I’m glued to a fascinating article on my computer, or if I’m constantly checking my Twitter feed but fail to notice one of my children is speaking unkindly to his siblings, or if I go online every day (many times a day) but go several days in a row without praying for my children, what will my mothering legacy be? 

One day, when my two sons and two daughters think back on their childhood home will they remember me as being fully, attentively, happily there? 

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A Cheap Substitute?

Recently, Karen wrote in response to the post, “Because We Want To”: 

As I read it I thought, “Yes, people are like this, restless and wanting diversion from reality.” And I realized as I read that I can understand people who don’t know Christ seeking solace in the distraction of the Internet, perfectly logical. But why does it also often describe me, as a believer? And not just me obviously or you wouldn’t be writing this series. 

What have we missed in our understanding of our faith and our life in Jesus that we could fall into such a cheap substitute for real rest and peace? How could we buy this lie?

It’s something I will be thinking and praying about much more in the weeks ahead—and discussing with my friends (not on-line!) Thank you for your wise use of technology that is opening my eyes to face this and to hopefully in the process, draw closer to Jesus through His word. I am so glad He is the real source of peace in a heart-breaking world. 

Our hope for this little conversation is to provoke all of us to ask heart questions like Karen. And to find our answers, with the help of the Holy Spirit, in the Word of God. Out of hearts satisfied in Christ, may we steward the gift of the Internet in such a way that keeps us from being “ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ” (2 Pet 1:5-9). 

We’ll pick up the conversation next week, talking about online habits and home life. 

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Choosing One Thing

Searching for—and finding—satisfaction in God, instead of in online diversions, is simple, really. We must choose to close the laptop or shut off the smart phone, and we must choose to daily seek God through prayer and His Word. 

Just like Mary. She “sat at Jesus’ feet and listened to his teaching.” In Jesus’ own words, “Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:39, 42, emphasis mine). 

Mary chose to sit at Jesus’ feet by deliberately ignoring distractions, even good ones like serving! Martha on the other hand was busy and anxious. Today we face distractions of a different sort, but there are so many more, and they are right there with us at the touch of the finger or the click of the mouse, from the moment we wake up until we go to bed. So we must be all the more alert to what may distract us from keeping our daily appointment to sit at Jesus’ feet, from choosing “the one thing that is necessary” (Lk 10:41). 

I’ve shared this before, but a while back, I found that the Internet was becoming a big distraction first thing in the morning. I was using the five minutes it took for my coffee to brew each morning to quickly check email, or headline news, or maybe a blog or two, before starting my devotions. I’d check a headline and then I just had to read the story; or I’d check a blog I enjoy, and I just had to check out the link they recommended, or I’d get caught up not just looking at my email, but answering it.   

Before I knew it, five minutes would turn into twenty minutes and then my quiet time would be cut short.

So, I knew I needed to make a choice. I had to choose to say “no” to this distraction! I resolved to not look at email or blogs or headline news until after my time of Bible study and prayer. It may be a small thing but it has made a big difference. 

Whatever it takes, let’s be ruthless about not allowing anything to distract us from seeking God through His Word and prayer. We need to choose to sit at Jesus’ feet and find our satisfaction  in God alone. 

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love so that we may rejoice and be glad all our days” (90:14).  

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Our Search Engine

When we go online we are searching for something. It may be an email or the latest news or a DIY decorating project. But quite often there is more to our search than what we type into google. We may be searching for the feeling of affirmation we get when someone likes our status update on Facebook or sends us a direct message. Or we search to satiate our curiosity—about people we know, their distant relations, celebrities we will never meet. We may be searching for the pleasure that comes from imagining the delectable food we can create, the gorgeous rooms we can remake. 

Searching, searching, searching. We spend so much time searching; but how rarely do we find satisfaction. As studies and our own experience tell us, Facebook and other social media can actually leave us more unsettled and unhappy than before. But still we keep searching. The question is: what are we searching for? 

In Deuteronomy God tells the Israelites that one day they will turn from serving idols and “from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul” (4.29). This promise was ultimately fulfilled in Jesus Christ. Through His atoning death and resurrection we can turn from our idols and find God! And our search for God will fully and forever satisfy! 

But this promise is conditional. We will find God only if we search, and only if we search with all our heart and all our soul. So what—or who—is your heart and soul searching after today? 

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Different, Yet the Same

At bedtime lately, I’ve been enjoying a little light reading (on my Iphone!) with the free download of the Agatha Christie mystery novels. In Murder on the Links, the famous detective Hercule Poirot goes head to head with another, younger detective who is full of modern ideas and methods. When they first meet, his rival addresses him with a thinly veiled condescension: 

“‘I know you by name, Monsieur Poirot,’ he said. ‘You cut quite a figure in the old days, didn’t you? But methods are very different now.’

‘Crimes, though, are very much the same,’ remarked Poirot gently.”

Methods are certainly different now. The Internet has radically transformed our way of doing just about everything in the space of a few years. And it shows no signs of stopping. The latest technology, websites, and social media platforms we use today may very well be outdated or obsolete by this time next year. 

Crimes, though, are very much the same. We still drink from the polluted waters of our sinful desires instead of guarding our hearts with all diligence. We still nibble at the same table of the world as did our ancestors. And our diversions may be more accessible than ever before, but the urge to escape reality is nothing new. 

That’s why as Christians we must flee to the cross and to our Savior Jesus Christ who “is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Rom 13.8). Our online temptations or sins have not put us beyond the reach of His forgiveness or His power to change our hearts. His promises remain: 

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9) 

and 

“His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence” (2 Pet. 1:3). 

So as we consider ways our online habits and actions may need to change in order to line up with God’s Word, let our methods always start and end at the cross of Jesus Christ. 

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Because We Want To

Why do our lives—which should be simpler and easier—seem all the more complicated? Centuries before the Internet, Blaise Pascal answered that question: Our lives are busier because we want them to be.* 

Peter Kreeft summarizes Pascal’s perspective:

“We want to complexify our lives. We don’t have to, we want to. We wanted to be harried and hassled and busy. Unconsciously, we want the very things we complain about. For if we had leisure, we would look at ourselves and listen to our hearts and see the great gaping hold in our hearts and be terrified, because that hole is so big that nothing but God can fill it.”

“Diversion” explains Douglas Groothius, “serves to distract humans from a plight too terrible to encounter directly—namely, our mortality, finitude, and failures. There is… [a] tension between our aspirations and our anticipations and the reality of our lives.”

Every day we face difficult, even heart-breaking realities:  Our sin and failures, the disappointments of life, the difficulty of relationships, the unanswered questions, the tension between the way we want things to be and the way they really are. And our tablets and smartphones seem to open up a portal of  “escape” from whatever it is we don’t want to think about. By going online we can, for a few moments anyway, forget what is troubling us or ignore what should be troubling us. So we give ourselves over to our online diversions.  

“Postmodern people are perpetually restless” observes Dr. Groothius, “they frequently seek solace in diversion instead of satisfaction in truth.” 

Where do you seek solace? Where do you find satisfaction?  

Our hearts are restless until they rest…online? 

(*Much of the content of today’s post, and the idea for yesterday’s post are from “Addicted to Diversion and Afraid of Silence,” a post by Justin Taylor. I highly recommend you read the entire post.) 

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Where Did the Time Go?

Not that long ago my mother kept in touch with friends and family via a telephone tethered to the wall in the kitchen. She bought the longest cord available so that maybe, if she worked it right, she could reach the coffee table in the living room. But basically, if she wanted to connect, it had to be in the kitchen.  

To find the best stroller, she had to ask each of her friends for a personal recommendation, look up the stroller in a borrowed copy of Consumer Reports, and drive around to local stores to find the best price. And if Mom wanted to go somewhere for the first time she had to call for directions, write them out by hand on a piece of paper, and then hope she wouldn’t get lost and need to stop at a gas station or pay phone. 

It’s only been twenty-five years, but compared to my mom, I have the equivalent of a full-time personal assistant. I can connect with friends anytime, anywhere. I can research, purchase, and schedule delivery for the latest stroller in five minutes without getting up from the couch. I never have to ask for directions. My smart phone redirects me when I’m lost, instantly provides me with reviews, tips, and solutions; and if I wanted it to, it could even babysit my children. 

It still doesn’t clean the toilets. But in truth, there’s something comforting about that.

So why is my generation of women more busy, overwhelmed, and anxious? We should have vast amounts of time on our hands in order to rest, read Scripture, ponder and pray. And yet our lives seem increasingly hectic compared to the world in which we were raised. Why?

Think about it, and let’s talk more tomorrow.

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Facebook, Friendship, and the Local Church

The messages from Next are online and I’m working my way through all of them. I love how the Internet makes it possible for a thirty-something mother of four children to benefit from a conference for teenagers and twenty-somethings that happened two weeks ago, a thousand miles away. 

But I wanted to mention one session in particular, because in his message The Church and Friendship, Kevin DeYoung touches on a topic we’ll get to later in our series—that of technology and friendship:

“Friendship is wonderful when you can get it, but it is frequently hard to come by…There is a real sense in which that technology can foster friendship… And yet as good as the technology is…the danger with friends today is that we have friends everywhere and friends nowhere. We have a lot of relationships but how many friendships? We have more acquaintances than ever before, we have more people in our networks than ever before, we are known by more people and can know more people than ever before and yet have no friends.” 

Do you have friends? Or, more importantly, as Kevin asks, “What kind of friend are you? A fake friend, a foul friend, or a faithful friend?”

Listen and learn how to be a biblical, better, friend. 

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First Things

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Stumble to the coffee maker? Brush your teeth? According to a 2010 study, at least one third of young women check Facebook first thing in the morning—even before they go to the bathroom! This study might be two years old, but I’m guessing, if anything, those numbers have only gone up. 

Now it’s not wrong to check Facebook before you go to the bathroom. But we need to consider what our first thoughts and actions say about what we want most, what we think we need most. 

Do you wake up more aware of that itch to see what’s happening online or are your first morning sensations of your desperate need for God? Does a few minutes with your laptop pull you out of bed more readily than a few minutes with your Bible? 

It’s so easy to dismiss the simple pleasures of Pinterest or Facebook as harmless activities. But that’s exactly why we need to be careful. Even simple pleasures, especially simple pleasures, can drain our affections for God. John Piper has famously made the point:

“If you don’t feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Your soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great.” (Hunger for God, p. 23)

Each morning, how do you stuff your soul? With small things online, or great truths in God’s Word? 

Our morning desires and activities, our first thoughts and inclinations, should be like the Psalmist: to hear, sing, pray, and be satisfied with the steadfast love of the Lord (5.3, 59.16, 90.14, 143.8). To put first things first. 

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Our Connected Heart

One of the mistakes we make when we go online is to assume that because it is virtual, it is unrelated to virtue. That because  things are out there on the Internet, they have no internal effect on our souls. But did you know there is an invisible yet very real string that runs from our laptop screen to our hearts? The question is, which way is it tugging us?

“Keep your heart with all vigilance,” the wise father urges in Proverbs, “for from it flow the springs of life” (4.23). 

In the digital age, we understand vigilance—only we call it “staying connected.” We check Facebook countless times per day to see what our friends are up to or if they’ve left any messages on our wall. We have “push” on our phones to alert us of the latest tweet or message. We have news readers that bring us the most recent posts from all around the world wide web. When it comes to our online habits, we are nothing if not vigilant.

But what about our hearts? Do we have alerts set up to warn us if our hearts are being negatively influenced by our Internet habits? Are we constantly monitoring our affections for the things of God? What springs are flowing from our online activity? 

It doesn’t take long for the “springs” of my online life to become polluted. I click on a few decorating blogs and before I know it I’m complaining about all the areas in my home that I wish I could change but don’t have the time, talent, or resources. Or, I log on to check the latest news  and end up fighting anxiety over the most recent economic crisis, local crime wave, or political development. 

Most often, the effect of my Internet use on my heart is gradual. Almost imperceptible. Over time I can become more in tune with the immediate and less aware of the eternal. More dissatisfied with what God has given me and more aware of what others have. More excited about what I can discover online and less excited about what I discover in God’s Word. 

The straight edge of Proverbs 4:23 reveals the crookedness of our hearts. And so we would do well to pray with the old hymn: 

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,  

Seal it for Thy courts above.

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